My Worst Date Ever

I was browsing Vocal and I saw a collection of “My Worst Date” articles and I thought to myself, I have a few that would fit comfortably within that category (probably more than I’d care to admit). So, after much deliberation I’ve decided to enlighten the world on this particular date, which is certainly one I’ll never forget...

I was traveling New Zealand and like any traveller in the modern era, I was on Tinder. Not always for romantic connections as such, but to meet people and get out there. Now Tinder wasn’t great for me in the beginning as I lacked the ability to be cut throat and I was often too nice to let people down, which led me to agree to dates that I had absolutely no interest in going on.

Enter M. A perfectly nice, chatty and I would say relatively handsome chap from nearby. He was my age, a chiropractor no less and we spoke at length for a few weeks before agreeing to go on date. I knew very little about the use of chiropracty and I was fascinated with his explanations of using chiropracty as an almost retuning exercise to realign your body and help relieve stress and tension that you didn’t even know that you had. However, much like a Snapchat filter on every Tinder photo makes a person question what you actually look like, M had no photos that were not close ups on his face. I’m not a short woman and rightly or wrongly I probably prefer my romantic interests to be the same height or taller and I had a sneaky suspicion that M might be a little below average on the height front.

BUT I decided to go for it. He was nice, did it even matter if he was short?

So on date day I sat waiting in a dimly lit cocktail bar for him to arrive. When I got up to meet him I realised that I had at least three inches on him on the height front and I instantly felt like a giant next to him (I’d put on a bit of weight in New Zealand) but I sat down and we ordered drinks and I ran through every scenario I could to excuse myself in a way that wouldn’t hurt his feelings. Deciding there were none I just sat there and watched while his tiny man hands grasped the cocktail glass and his legs swung unimpeded from his chair (ok, he wasn’t THAT short but you get the idea).

So, I’m on a date with a guy who is much, much shorter than I am and I know I don’t feel an attraction but admitting that was not an option and so through the motions we went. After the drink we went to play pool and he propositioned “What do I get if I win?” To which I replied, “Errr what do you want?” He said if he won he wanted to go back to his to watch a film.

Well the last thing I wanted was to go back to his house but I didn’t know how to say no without offending him (I know, I know—stupid), so I agreed and hoped my pool skills would save me. Well. They didn’t. So I’m in a taxi to his and I’m texting my friend his name and address and the whole time I’m thinking WHY. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY NO YOU IDIOT.

We get to his and things are awkward. Really awkward. But they were about to get a whole lot worse.

After all my interest in chiropracty. M kindly offered to readjust my neck. “No, no I’m fine” I said. But he was insistent and so before I knew it I was laying on his bed on my back with my neck hanging off the edge of the bed so he could access it properly. CRACK, CRUNCH. To be fair, the range of motion after he did it was pretty incredible but still. I didn’t come here to get free chiropracty I came here for awkward conversation before I got the guts to order a taxi and leave.

If that was it, it might have been okay. But then he said, “it’s a shame I don’t have my table so I can do your back for you.” And I smiled and said “Oh yeah! But not to worry..." Then he said “Hold on. I can get to it but you have to lie on top of me.” LIE ON TOP OF HIM. “Nooooo I can’t do that," I said. "I’ll suffocate you” (literally, I was twice his size. I don’t know if you’ve seen Road Trip when the little skinny one finally gets some but that’s essentially what we were working with). “It’s fine! Come on, I can’t do your neck and not your back!” And after my refusing for about five minutes I just thought, sod it. If it’s going to shut you up. So I proceeded to climb on top of him. Put my head in the space between his head and his shoulders as he sunk into the mattress, struggling to breathe and cracked my back. When he was done I climbed off and ordered myself a taxi and never spoke to him again.

I did not need a chiropractor.