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My Worst Date Ever

#WorstDateStory

By Katie WerthmannPublished 6 years ago 8 min read
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This clown was a better date.

So, I was asked to sum up my worst date.

So here goes. It started with me getting comp tickets to my old Theatre Company's show of Hairspray. I knew a friend of mine had been into me for a while (years), so I figured why not ask him and see where it goes because he's really nice and smart and I like his tattoos.

So, I get to The Bonstelle early, get the tickets, and chat with my friends, telling them I'm on a fist date. Like any friends, they want to sneak a peek at the lucky fella—only he's nowhere to be found. Fifteen minutes to curtain, still not around. Five minutes... the bells are ringing—still nothing. The lights dim. Curtain raises. No date yet?? I don't want to miss the opening song, but I also don't want to miss him if/when he comes in late, thus forcing him to sit in the back by himself for the first half of the show. So I'm standing in the lobby by myself in the dim light waiting. "Good Morning Baltimore" ends (which is a longer opening piece, even) and still no Rob. He walks up 20 minutes late saying the rain slowed him down and that he thought that theatre shows never start on time. It's true, they don't, but five squishy minutes to places and missing the first 20 minutes are not the same.

So we watch the show and it's great. He then tells me he's not into musicals much and has nothing to contribute to the conversation about it. We finally settle on a place to go to dinner (his treat since I got the tickets) and he chooses the one place that also happens to be hosting a Dubstep DJ contest. So that was fun. The food was awful and had nothing vegetarian friendly but a salad and fries. I'm kind of used to that but sometimes it still angers me—not his fault. But the place was packed and the Red Wings had just lost in the Playoffs so the place was really loud and we could barely hear one another from two feet away. So on top of Dubstep everyone's shouting! Which is not too terrible because he and I have nothing to really talk about after the first half hour and he spends a good chunk of time talking to our bar waitress while I texted my friends my congratulations on a good show and begged someone to pretend there was an emergency I needed to attend to. He drinks four or five beers at dinner (super cool...) and after about an hour and a fricken half of me being done with my stupid side salad he finally decides he's done drinking and says he will walk me out. He only tipped 6% of the bill on what I can only assume was a horrible night for the waitstaff there. 6%! (That right there killed an already dying relationship.) He insists he's not drunk—he's walking fine and not appearing drunk but I still don't like the idea of five beers then driving. Or one beer then immediately driving for that matter.

So, I'm worried that this guy I am on a date with drinks too much or drinks to calm nerves, because for a first date it seems like having five beers is a big impression to leave. Then he gets into his car and wants to drive me to mine which is about a block away. I'm tempted to just walk in the rain and be done with it but it's late now in Detroit so at the risk of danger on the street, I get in to face the danger of a (not?) drunk guy in the car. I already am angry about him being late and dinner sucking—so if I die here, I thought, I will be so pissed.

I didn't die. It actually felt relatively safe.

Until I tried to leave. Now, he wasn't aggressive with me, but he did kiss me goodnight. And it. Was. Awful. Easily the worst kiss I've ever experienced. Instead of it being that nervous first date-y style slow kiss it was a full on attack like he hadn't kissed anyone. Ever. It was slobbery and his tongue was in my mouth before our lips even met. Darting. Like a piston. Not sensual or pleasant. I kept thinking about how people eat animal tongue and wondered if it felt the same in their mouths as this guy's in mine—like just a gross weight. Not a good thought to have on a date.) It was so weird. So, there I was up against the passenger side door, panicked, trying to put as much distance as I can between us as I try to pry my face away from his once and for all and his hands start "stroking" my arms but it felt like shackles because it wasn't gentle or wanted. How is he even managing this?? He had to have noticed that I wasn't into it by how I kept backing away and reaching for the door. Or going rag doll for a moment when I realized that it wouldn't be an easy getaway. He noticed none of that. None of it. I finally got the use of my arms and gently pushed him away claiming it was late and I didn't want to drive home in the rain as it worsened. He seriously didn't notice that I had somehow flattened myself to the car door and was as far as I could possibly be from him in the driver's seat in a Jeep SUV. That's a LOT of space, guys. He probably could have stretched out his legs in the distance from where his stupid face was glued sloppily to mine all the way to his driver's side door.

It was not sexy. And I couldn't imagine being kissed like that again. It felt like an animal documentary. It also felt like I didn't fully exist to him as a person, but as a thing. It's easy to blame the drinking he had done, but I wholeheartedly think that this is just how he is as a person. Made me think that this is why he is in his early thirties and not had a serious relationship in years. Let that be a lesson.

So in an attempt to save my sanity (and face) I tried to beat around the bush in our next texts (the next frickin morning) because it was true, I was about to graduate college (again) and had finals throughout the week after the date and couldn't go out due to school and working at night. So I was trying to be girly in sparing his feelings buy saying thanks, but no thanks to his next date plan.

So, a week passes and I'm working at my school for a free Planetarium show promo thing (part of my internship) and post on my Facebook for friends to come down with school aged kids because a lot of schools were giving extra credit to their kids for going. So, naturally, he shows up. And not only does he show up, but he's alone and spends my whole time working standing behind me like a guard dog before the show starts. Then I shoo him inside because I'm trying to work and I'm ignoring him as best I can so that it doesn't interfere and he physically stops kids from sitting next to him inside the Planetarium so that I can sit by him. Kids! It's a packed house, as full as I have ever seen it, and he's saving seats. (I needed to stay for my write-up or else I would have Irish dipped like an asshole.)

So he acts like this is our second and more romantic date. He's trying to put his arm around me and kiss me and things during the show— meanwhile I'm telling him not to because I'm WORKING and it's not a date. So he settles down and watched the show. As the show ends he grabs all of my stuff for me and carries it out without asking if I need any of it for my reports. Which I did. So he's walking away with everything and I'm just standing there waiting for my supervisors here to give me their feedback (again, because I'm working) and he drags everything back and stands literally two feet behind my shoulder. Waiting. And staring. Just waiting and staring like a gnome or something. So I'm stalling with the ladies (we knew one another in a friendly enough manor) and I mention to them hushed that this guy invited himself and thinks it's a date so they're trying to find a reason for me to follow them back up to the main Astrology office (bless them) and I finally turn and tell Rob that I have to go. Alone. Because I'm not done working. And I need to go. So he tries to once again darty-tongue make out with me like we're in private in front of the ladies and I stop him and say good bye and I go back inside the Planetarium dome and shut the door. I was so embarrassed. I don't think I'd ever been so embarrassed.

I walked to my car with the father of a girl I was in Theatre with whose wife runs the Astronomy department and Planetarium. Sweet mercy!

I told Rob I felt really on the spot while I was at work and that I wasn't doing it again. He started calling me at 1 and 2 am and eventually stopped after about 3 weeks. I think he told all of his friends that I was a bitch and unfriended me on Facebook months later when I started dating my now (uncreepy and very polite and punctual) husband.

So, not only the worst date I've had, but also the worst follow up date I never asked for. Thankfully the ladies of the Planetarium understood and helped me out, otherwise I think I would still be damp from his big dumb face.

Go with your gut, everyone.

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About the Creator

Katie Werthmann

A Detroit gal. I like to write witty things and have great adventures. I have 3 cats and work for a pub trivia company.

Instagram.com/aoibhneas.travels

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