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#MyWorstDate

Lobster Anyone?

By Jorge E.Published 6 years ago 3 min read
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One of my employees who was my wing man came in one Monday and was very excited about a lady he met over the weekend at a bar we frequented. He said the lady had a friend who was very nice and he wanted me to meet them during the week to see if I liked the friend.

We agreed to meet at a bar/ restaurant after work. I told him we had to have a code in case I did not like what I saw so I said that if I liked her we would have a drink and go from there. If I did not, I would say, "How about that golf shot I did on Sunday?" as a code that I would be bailing out.

I asked him if he could describe her, but he was very vague. You see, Paulie has a tendency to drink a bit much so his memory was very fuzzy at times. All he said was that she had a nice ass. Well, that was enough incentive to buy a drink for, I thought.

So on the fateful night, Paulie had arrived before me and as I walked up to him at the bar, he looked over my shoulder and said, "Oh, the girls are walking in the door. Yours is the one in the flowery dress." I turned around and the dress looked like my grandmother's tablecloth, yellow with red and blue flowers. She must have lost weight recently because wore the dress very tightly and it almost looked like a sausage casing wrapped around her.

Now the following happened in rapid fire order. I turned back to Paulie and said "How about that golf shot I did on Sunday" as the maitre'd walked up to Paulie and and said, "Your table for dinner is ready, sir." The girls walked up and both of us were hugged. I felt like I was on a downward spiral with nothing to hold on to. I whispered in Paulie's ear "Dinner? What happened to drinks?"

We were ushered to the table and she said, "Nice to meet you" in a voice that can best described between a truck driver or a hoarse-throated baritone.

We opened the menu and her next words were, "Can I order lobster?"

Now there are two faux pas here: first, she assumed I was paying for dinner; two, you never order lobster on a first date let alone a blind first date.

I was perusing the menu at the time and saw there was a lobster market priced and a lobster special. I grabbed the menu from her and told her lobster was okay.

When the waiter came, I ordered for her but pointed to the menu where the lobster special was. No way I was paying for a market priced lobster, especially since I knew this was not going anywhere.

There was a gentleman sitting at the table next to us who had just been served a market priced lobster based on the size of it. When her lobster came, she looked at the plate and said, "It's so small. Why is my lobster not as big as that man's next to us?"

I jumped right in and said, "That man is having second date lobster. You are having first date lobster!"

After dinner, she said that she heard from Paulie that since I was Cuban I was a good latin dancer and she was looking forward to dancing. I told her that there was no chance of that happening. She said Paulie had told her we were going dancing. I said, "You might, but I won't."

As we walked outside, she reiterated that she thought we were going dancing. I told her to stand outside the restaurant that I would drive by and wave as I left in case she did not believe me. That's exactly what I did.

Paulie called me the next day and asked me if he was fired. I told him that it was okay to come in to work but to never, ever set me up on a blind date again, especially with Lobster Lady.

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