#MyWorstDate

Only a few weeks ago, if even a month, I had decided I was lonely and bored one night. I wanted to have sex and conversation. So I, a woman who's picky about my kinks, decided I would message a guy I talked to some time ago on Tinder. We never had much conversation, but we had similar sexual interests; we both were into rough stuff AND casual dating. I hadn't talked to him since Thanksgiving, when I was upset my brother didn't come over and he asked if he could come keep me company. I said yes, but that I wasn't looking for sex that night...I should have taken his response as a red flag. "I'm not going to drive out this late if it's not for sex." So, months later, I decided to message him again, because I was looking for sex and I was desperate. I didn't want to hook up with anyone that wasn't into what I like—I was craving satisfaction and he seemed like the kind of man who could give it to me.

So a little after midnight, he finally showed up and we went to my room and got right to it. I showed him I had handcuffs, which I hadn't used before that moment. He wasn't rushing to put them on me, but consensually forced me to my knees to blow him. I hadn't had sex in a while before this so I wasn't very well-practiced. I had a hard time giving head, which is when he decided to handcuff me. He would grab me by my hair or my head and make sure I couldn't squirm away, even if I had trouble breathing or was gagging on him. I've had guys do that before, but not to that degree; when I would wiggle enough, most guys read my body language and would give me time to breathe...He did not.

Prior to him coming over, he mentioned something about anal and I said I was not comfortable with the idea, at least not for that night. But when he decided enough of head and that he wanted to fuck me, he turned me over into doggy style and asked again about anal, in which I said no. He asked again, with a please. I said I didn't want to. And then he said "oh well, that's too bad" and I felt to feel him against me, which felt like he was trying and going against my wishes, my demands. So I panicked. We both knew my roommate was asleep on our living room couch, I considered calling out to him but that would have been my last resort. So instead, I became much louder, "I SAID NO!" And as I did that, I broke the handcuffs, separating my hands. Both actions seemed to get this guy's attention, he finally heard me loud and clear. He said he was "just messing with me" and I brushed it off because I was uncomfortable. I felt like if my roommate weren't home, he would have continued on, ignoring my no.

We continued to have sex anyway, because I didn't know what to do and I was scared. I knew this situation wouldn't last long. It didn't. So we laid down and talked a while, he began seeming like an alright guy and I decided to let go of what happened earlier. I told him it wasn't getting late and he asked to have sex again. I said I wasn't sure and that I was tired. He said we should anyway. I felt pressured but decided to, anyway. This time, I asked him to choke me, and he hurt me. Nobody has ever choked me to the point my throat hurt or where I couldn't breathe at all. I tried tapping out, another piece of body language that most can read into. He didn't stop. So I personally tried to remove his hands, but he was stronger than me. He didn't stop until he wanted to and I almost passed out. I wanted this to be over. So finally, at some point, his dick slid out, and he realized the last condom broke and I told him I wouldn't continue without protection. He said, "Are you serious?" in such a condescending way and asked if I was on birth control. I told him birth control doesn't protect you from everything and that I didn't know him well enough to trust him to not use protection. He didn't continue to try and pressure me, but told me to finish him off with another blowjob. I just wanted to do whatever I could to get him out at that point. When everything was over, I told him he had to go and he made a joke about me kicking him out. I pretended everything was okay and joked as well, saying that if he stayed, that's how attachment happens. After he left, I was still freaked out and cried, thinking back to other times I'd been sexually abused, whether that be harassment, assault, or date rape. Stories for another time.

A couple weeks passed and he messaged me saying we should hang out. I told him the truth—that I wasn't looking for sex with anyone at this point. I told him how he made me feel and that his actions weren't okay and he should apologize. I apologized for not saying something sooner and he blew up on me, which is part of our conversation in the picture I featured. Told me I was crazy. And while I didn't fully intend on this being the most romantic moment of my life, this was a very uncomfortable and scary time, resurfacing some past problems. This had to be the worst experience ever. #MyWorstDate