#MyWorstDate Distant Boys and Dog Slobber

I had been seeing this guy for a few moths, let's call him Mark, and we finally decided to go on a date. I know strange right? I left it all for him to plan and asked that he picked me up. The time rolls around for this date and he's nowhere to be found. I try texting, nothing. I try calling, nothing. He shows up half an hour late with his mom driving and comes up to my door. I'm just wanting to leave but my father has other ideas. He starts playing 20 questions with Mark who is already freaked out to even be in my house but then he notices the antique WW1 musket we have hanging on our wall and the boy almost pissed himself. My father was across the room from where the gun, which doesn't even work, is hanging and I see tears in his eyes as if he's seeing Jesus.

Well what should happen but my father asks Mark the million dollar question. "Where do you live?" Simple right? Nope. My mother, sister, and myself sat on some chairs we had by the door looking dumbfounded as it takes Mark almost 15 minutes to remember where he lives. It's not like he was new to the area either he had lived in that house for his entire life. When he finally stuttered out an answer I grabbed his hand and pushed him out the door, saying goodbye to my family. Cue the very awkward and very quiet car ride back to his house, which I found out not only shares a backyard fence with my aunt and uncle it is also right behind my cousin's house. Small world right?

We go inside and he takes me down to the basement where I sit on the couch and he says the best thing I've ever heard. "You're a girl right? Girls like iCarly.....right?". Yep. He put on iCarly for our first date. He then decides to sit on the opposite end of the couch from me, tense as hell and looking like a statue. I didn't say anything up to this point because I'm marveling at how badly this date is going and how I'm thinking I'm going to be breaking up with him pretty quick after that when who should come down but his younger brother. Naked. Fully in the nude running down the stairs and sitting right in between us with their giant dog on his heels followed by their mom. I got nice big, gooey chunks of white dog saliva all over the crotch area of my pants, looking like my date jacked off all over me and got to listen to the mother yell at the younger brother about interrupting "the only date your brother has ever had" and "ruining a date with your brother's love of his life" etc etc. She removed the naked boy and replaced the empty space with banana chocolate chip muffins.

I'm stating right now for the record that banana is my least favorite food and I had told Mark four times that I hated the fruit more than life itself. He hands me a muffin and continues to state that he knows they're my absolute favorite. So I took one and tried to eat it anyways being the awkward little cupcake that I am. It took me almost the rest of the date to choke this thing down in which time we had watched almost an entire season of iCarly without talking and the dog left his giant head in my lap the entire time. I was thoroughly coated in a gooey white mess by the time I was supposed to leave but at least I got some attention.

When I was finally told it was time to go, by Mark's mother again because she was apparently driving me back too, I practically ran up the stairs. After exchanging the normal pleasantries with the family I turned to open the screen door, moving too quick to fully push the handle before walking and I walked right into the door, bouncing off. When I finally did get the door open I was fifty shades of red as the entire family had been watching me. We got settled in the car when the mom's attention was drawn to a car that had just pulled up on the side of the road, blocking her driveway. Who should it be but my father, saying he could drive me home. Now I had tried to clean up the dog slobber from my pants but it was still a very large wet spot with the odd white streak here and there. When I got out of the car to get into his I saw his eyes go from my pants, to Mark, back to my pants, and back to Mark. That fun little vein by his temple jumped to life as is as if a dam had broken and he looked straight ahead for the entire drive home. The best part? Not only did I have the worst date ever, but I was grounded for a month.