#MyWorstDate - The Story of "Johnny Test Guy"

Back in 2012 I was younger, foolish and very naïve. I still am those things somewhat, but when I look back nearly six years ago, I cringe deeply.

I met Josh* in the summer of 2012. We met online on a dating/networking site and seemed to hit it off. He was 19. I was 17. He was a seventeen-year-old girl's dream. He was attentive, smooth, seemingly photogenic and loved his mum. He was from Eastleigh in Southampton, and it wasn't far from where I was. Also as 2012 was the year of the Mayan Doomsday prophecy, I remember laughing with him and being nerdy about it - coming up with ridiculous ways that the world could possibly end. Hold onto this detail - it comes back into focus later.

So we nervously arrange our first meeting. My mum's words of warning echoed in my mind; "Do not let him know where you live." So I arranged for him to meet me around the corner. Now, Josh's photos looked good. His photos of him were easy on the eye to say the least. He had red hair cropped short, his arms were muscular and his chest was broad and inviting (I have such a thing for a broad chest). I had recently gotten out of a toxic relationship and he seemed like everything I was looking for. Boy was I wrong. On ALL counts. Again, for future reference, my exes name is John Smith.*

We first met and I was startled by the man I was confronted by. He was short, skinny and his hair was unkempt and deliberately spiked up in all directions (it was so bad he earnt the nickname 'Johnny Test Guy'). But I had already fallen for his personality. So while I was surprised by his appearance (I later found out those pictures were a year old), I dismissed it and greeted him warmly. But I was wrong again. He behaved so differently in person. Then, he brought up the Mayan Doomsday prophecy, and a few more things. By the end of the conversation, I wanted to jump out of the car. I'll continue the conversation as open dialogue;

Josh: So, where does that Doomsday Prophecy come from, then?

Me: Oh, it was the Mayans. They had a calendar and it ended in December 2012 so people took it to mean that's when they thought the world would end.

Josh: What are Mayans?

Me: .... They were an ancient tribe, like the Aztecs?

Josh: What are Aztecs?

Me: Like the Mayans, they were an ancient tribe? You can find temples in Guatemala and places like that. You know, like in that film, Apocalypto.

Josh: What's Apocalypto?

Me:.... A film... About the Aztecs... Or the Mayans....

Josh: *confused*

So I changed the subject. I began to talk about his car.

Me: You know what, I knew someone who had the exact same car as you, and funnily enough he was from Eastleigh too! (My Ex but I was trying to salvage the conversation before I upset him - he didn't have to know that but I should have tried something else...)

Josh: Let's hope we aren't talking about the same lad. John Smith, what an a**ehole. You know I sold my old version of this car to him and never got the money? I'm surprised you guys were just friends.... weren't you..?

Me: *SCREAMING INTERNALLY BUT MAINTAINS HONESTY* I stopped seeing him about two months ago. He was vile to me.

Josh: IN HIS FACE! He steals my car but now I'm seeing his ex bird! Talk about karma!

Me: *NO YOU AIN'T HUN* Haha yeah, in his face, lol. SOOOOO, do you have many friends in Eastleigh?

Josh: Nah not really. I'm a bit of a hermit. And you see, I slept with my best mates' girlfriend. You know, she was asking me for it and was pretty fit so I went for it? He was a prick anyway but he hates me now so none of my mates are really talking to me at the moment.

Me: *ALARM BELLS SCREAMING* At least you're honest...?

Josh: So umm... on our next date do you wanna come round to mine instead?

ME: *NO WAY JOSE* I will have to see, what with college starting again and umm... I'm going away for a bit to see my nan who lives in Spain?

Josh: *Visibly excited* Ah cool!! We can organise something for when you get back.

Me:... Yay?

So we get to the cinema. He agreed before the date that he would buy tickets and I would buy food (seeing as in the UK its just as expensive to buy the tickets as it is to get popcorn and a drink) but he interrupts me and buys BOTH. Now, I have an issue with that. I don't like owing people. By this point I knew we weren't right for each other. I went from enjoying myself to being downright concerned. I decided to concentrate on the film.

Josh: *Whisper* Hey.

Me: Yeah? What's up?

Josh: You going to eat that popcorn I paid for or not?

Me: *MOTHAF**KA* Oh, sorry.

So we get out and we head back to the car. He stops for petrol on the way home after asking me if we wanted to go to a very well known dogging spot "for a walk." I pretend to be on the phone as he walks out of the garage after paying.

Me: *pretending there is some huge family crisis going on* Sure! I'll be home ASAP, we just stopped for petrol I'll be about ten minutes. For god sakes, you should have called me earlier!

Josh: What happened?!

Me: *fabricates some massive issue*

Josh: I'll take you back right now!

*Ten minutes later, back where he picked me up from*

Josh: Give us a kiss before you go?

Me: *freaks out but kisses him on the cheek as I get out the car* BYE!

I felt vile. I had to look at our messages and check his profile to make sure I was with the right guy. I get home. I've been texting mum and telling her what happened. She and her boyfriend were in stitches.I went up to bed and cringed at the thought of telling my best friend. I thought of the best way to tell him I couldn't see him again.

I told him I was moving out to live with my nan. I felt like a terrible person but he stalked me for months. Not asking for another date but for hook ups. I changed my number in the end.

Safe to say every bad date I went on after that PALED in comparison to that fateful August evening. So long, Johnny Test Guy.

*Names changed.