Needing You

2 Years Ago

Waking up isn't a problem—if your mind stays awake through the good, the bad, and the misery. My mind is like an immortal fire. It never burns out, it never knows when enough is enough, never knows when it's time for sleep to take over.

That's where the meds come in, or at least that's where they should come in. Meds and I seem to have a misunderstanding. When I need them to work they don't and when I'm doing just fine they work a little too much. Or when I am depressed I feel as if they are not there at all.

Not many people know about my depression, about the struggles I face and that's the way I like it. So I put up a huge front, a wall of happiness because at the end of the day no one is going to listen to my story, no one is going to care enough to take time out of their day and ask me about my issues. People are too self-absorbed for that. If they did care about what I go through I wouldn't have to put up this damn wall, this wall of fakeness. But without this wall, I would be drowning in the abyss of depression, without this wall I would be the definition of nothing but sorrow, misery, and all things dark.

I don't let many in because you never know who someone truly is, never know what their true intentions are. If there is one thing I know, it is this: Words Lie, Actions Speak Truth.

I remember the first person I let in, besides my family. Actually let's not just call her a person because she was more than that, so much more. Her name was Priya Maddox, and she was the girl who hung the stars, the moon, and the sun that I looked up at throughout the day and during the sleepless nights.

She made my world go round. She was unpredictable, never in a bad way though, she knew all the right words, all the right actions. Even though not many people were very fond of her it didn't seem to matter. All the bullying never stopped her from living and that's what I loved most about her, she could never be brought down.

It was all a mask though. A mask to hide all the insecurities, the hate she had for not only others but herself most of all.

I'll never forget the night when I woke up feeling like everything was wrong, and it was. I remember searching around my room for her. I remember finding the last words of her existence. Written neatly on pieces of a journal paper.

To the one who made things right in the world.I Love You,For you are the one who owns my heart.Always.I've loved you ever since the day I first laid eyes upon you. You captured me in that moment, and in that moment I knew everything I needed to know.You were the one for me.September 22nd, the day I first got the courage to talk to you, to hear your deep, silvery voice. The day my life changed.You were and are everything to me. Always have been and always will. No matter where I am. In heaven or on earth next to you.This decision I have made has nothing do with what you have done. You are in no part of my decision to end my life. You are the only thing that made me hold on for this long. I am so so sorry things had to be this way. I know you will hurt, and get angry at me. But I need you to understand, I could no longer take all the cards I was being dealt. I could no longer stand all the comments of hate I got, all the messages to kill myself because of the things I could not change. The pain was so unbearable.I chose this because I couldn't see any other solution.Someday you will come across someone who will cherish you, who will love you no matter the flaws. Just the way I have and will. When that day comes... DO NOT HOLD BACK. Fight for her like your life depends on it. Love her from sun up to sundown. No matter what make her remember who you are and why you love her.Do not forget the love I have for you, and most of all...Do not forget who you are.For you are the one who made things right in the world.I Love You,For you are the one who owns my heart.Always.~PRIYA MADDOX

I found her in my corner of my bathroom, surrounded by a pool of her own blood. Not caring if I ruined my shorts, or got covered from head to toe with blood. All I knew or cared about was getting to her, holding her. As I picked her up, as I felt her lifeless body I bawled. I bawled for her lost hope, for her loneliness, for her and the pain she had buried inside.

I bawled because I no longer knew what my life meant. She was my life, the reason I woke up in the morning, the reason the demons had no chance against me, she was everything I needed and wanted. I had never known the meaning of happiness until she came along. Now she's gone. Now my meaning of happiness, my meaning of life is gone.

In that moment all I wanted was to get a shot to the head. Whether it was from another or myself, I didn't care. In that moment I wanted my Priya Emerson Maddox back.