Never As It Seems

Don’t fall in love.

It all started about 5 or 6 years ago. I was only 15 and he was 16. The one kid I was always scared of, always scared to get near. I never thought he would be the one. My first love, the one I still love. I never once thought that I would be the one to ever get depressed or have anxiety. The very first time we ever dated was 6 years ago. Never thought I would or even could feel this way about somebody. Our first few years were very dumpy. Always on and off. Constantly fighting. I could never leave my house without being accused of cheating. Couldn’t go to a friend's house and hang out with calling and asking first. But actually besides all that, he was still really caring, loving, and sweet. Just a little crazy. We grew up together basically. 

I couldn’t take the emotional abuse anymore. There were times I wasn’t happy. I got tired of the fighting all the time. Over time it got worse and worse, to where we finally called it quiets. I hated him with everything in me. For what he did to me. For the way that I am today because of him. He has damaged me forever. He’s why it’s so hard for me to trust and try to love somebody. He’s the reason why I fuck everything up because I get scared or nervous, so I have to break things off. Just to protect myself. Four years later after somehow he found his way back into my life. Of course we started over as friends again. The second we hung out I knew what was going to happen. We started going to a bunch of places together and always hanging out. Then one day we parked the car and sat on the hood and started talking. Then suddenly he leaned in and kissed me. It felt like literally the butterflies in the stomach and fireworks going off in your head. I’ve never felt so much emotion or feeling in a kiss like I did that day. Later that night after I went home, he had messaged me and said will you go back out with me. I knew I had let my guard down. But this time it really felt different then ever before, even though all my friends kept telling me no, don’t do it. It’s not going to work out. But I knew I still loved him, and them telling me no made me want to do it 10x more. It’s like nobody understood the bond we had when we was together, a bond that I don’t know if I’ll ever find in anybody else ever again. But I have hope that one day I’ll find it. 

We were still going out places and stuff like we was before and everything literally seemed perfect. Then he got a job offer in another state. I said no, I wasn’t leaving my family behind. Finally he talked me into it. I finally thought to myself, I’m finally going to actually live and hopefully start a family with the man I love. Like this is actually happening right now. Along the way there were some problems. We needed some money to get down there to get started on. I thought okay, I can sell my car. That’s what I did, only sold it for two hundred dollars. It was just enough to get us going. He said that he’s going to go down there first for about a month and find us a house, or apartment. I was like okay I can deal with that. That’s not bad as long as I’m with you I’ll be happy. Before he left he kept promising me that he would come back for me. Kept promising on his dead brother that he’d be back for me within a month or a little longer. Him saying that always made me believe that he was going to come back for me. He goes down there with his uncle and stays with him. We FaceTimed all the time, always keeping in touch with each other. About a month goes by of him being down there. I get a message saying I need to talk to you later. I thought okay, he’s probably at work right now and needs to tell me something. Later that day I get the message I was dreading. 

It said, "I can’t drag this out anymore. I’m not in love with you like I thought I was..." After I already had all of my belongings packed and ready to hear the words, I’m coming for you. After me telling my family I was leaving them for some man. After waiting days and nights to finally have a life with somebody, making a list of things for the house that we want and need. Making myself believe it was going to happen and we was going to live happily together. After being told that you swear on your dead brother that you're still coming, selling my car. Losing my job and not finishing school. All because I believed you! Then you have the nerve to tell me that you still want to be friends. Being friends is how I feel back in love with you!!! How can you be friends with the one you love?! I will never understand how you can just stop loving somebody like that? I hope maybe one day you can see this and feel like shit. Because that’s how I’ve felt every day since then because I’m more depressed now then I’ve ever been. And it’s all because of you. Now I hate you. There’s no coming back this time. Cause I’m long gone and done. I’m not putting myself through hell anymore! 

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Never As It Seems