Never Fading

There is a certain time in the day where the inky darkness of night leaves nothing for us to see except for whatever stars are left. I used to feel calm and happy as the dark enveloped my body, but now that you are gone, the nights are always the hardest to face. I was falling for you and yet you turned away. You shoved me in the other direction as though you knew what was good for me or maybe it was so you could protect yourself. I still stayed though… because I thought I could help you or maybe even fix you.

I remember when I first saw you… yes I know that if you were here you would smack me for getting all sappy on you, but I can’t help it and you know that. At first it did scare me at times, you know, the emptiness I saw in your eyes when we first met. I stood there and promised myself that I would change that. They said I was crazy for even trying, but I knew… or well hoped that I could actually do something. You had promised yourself that you would never let anyone in, and I had promised myself that I would change that. It was stupid of me to make such a decision, but even now I don’t regret that at all.

I wonder what it was like for you… when you were laying there in that bed all of those weeks until you finally were released from this hell of an Earth. I’ve read that most people regret things they never did rather than what they did wrong. Was it like that for you? Oh who am I kidding? You’re gone now and I can never see you again. I mean, I always hoped that what they said about soulmates was true… about how they always find each other or meet again in the great beyond.

Why did you leave me here? Why did you push me away? Did you think it would make it any easier? God, I have so many questions for you and you aren’t even here to answer them. I can’t imagine you even possibly understanding this, and… ugh you make me so angry now. I’m pulling at my hair hoping somehow it will resolve all of this and yet it won’t. I know it won’t and I’m the one doing all this. I know I said I’d try to move on, but I can’t. God the nights are the hardest. See when I told you that I loved you and you just stared blankly at me I knew all of efforts were in vain. I saw no emotion behind your eyes, but I stayed. We fought and yet I still stayed. You pushed me away and yet…

I just want to scream at you now. I’ve never done that because I wanted to be patient, but now you’re gone and that makes me so angry ‘cause you left me like this. You left me at my worst even though I was with you all those months.

Even though I am making you sound bad right now I know you weren’t always like that. I was with you before they diagnosed you… I was with you when you still had life in you. I understand, well not fully, but I think you get the point. I can only assume what it must be like to know it’s the end of the road for you and you… being the person you are, tried to push everyone away to make it easier. I’m trying so hard to understand the thought behind that and yet, I just keep drawing blank cards. I know you were as beautiful on the inside as you were on the outside. Even lying there I still see you as the most beautiful person on this Earth. You would hate for me to say that to your face because I’m sure you could never see what I saw, but it’s true. I just hate that everything beautiful here is ruined by our race and then dies. It is either slow and painful, or as quick as shutting off a light switch.

“Look at the stars,” I said to you one night when you were still in perfect health… I remember you laughing and telling me that I better not bring up some dumb romance cliche before angling your head up, your beautiful hazel eyes reflecting the moonlight that was cascading over the both of us. “You see how beautiful they are, it’s rare to see them where we live, because the city lights hide them, but they’re still out there. Sadly, as beautiful as they are, they always burn out and die. Everything that withholds beauty dies.” I think it was at this point we both knew where I was going with this. I could tell something was wrong or that at one point I would lose you. It killed me to think that, but it’s true.

See I never thought it would be this hard to face the nights without you. I never realized how safe I felt with you lying there with me in bed. How secure I felt with you next to me. I grew used to your soft snoring and you tossing and turning in your sleep. I can no longer sleep alone. It is a foreign concept to me now. Just thinking of never being able to see the peaceful expression on your face when I wake up… It hits me harder than ever and all I’m hoping is that you could feel these aches and that maybe you’d be wondering about me, but I know that isn’t true. You’re resting in peace as they always say and I’m laying here on my third night without any sleep. The bags under my eyes sunken deeper than the hole in my heart that I have now that you’re gone. Yes, I know this just got super sappy. Go ahead and hit me… oh wait you can’t. Yeah forgot about that one.

See right now I should be in tears, but those no longer come. I don’t feel anymore. I used to be sad, but now I’m just numb. I can feel only nothingness without you. See now this is truly the sappiest one I’ve ever written.

You probably hate me for this, hell I hate me too, but now I’m just done with even trying. I’m tired. I can’t sleep. I can no longer hide behind these walls that you so expertly taught me how to build. See when I said I loved you more, that didn’t mean I love you more than you love me . It meant I love you more than the bad days we had… my god I can’t even get this one right. Do I use past or present tense, because you’re gone… I’m too tired to even care at this point. Everything is laid out and ready. Just know… I’m doing this because I love you.