I don't feel like I get like this often. But today is the day that I am going to write about the time that I did.
I remember the first night, I was honestly terrified when I stumbled in, and with good reason; I was being fucking trailed. I wasn't in the kind of place that you walk around at night by yourself, but of course me being the stubborn independent person that I am, I was doing just that. Stumbling around like no one was going to take notice of my situation or try and take advantage of it. I ducked into your place and it was dead. I think the emptiness made me feel comfortable.
I can't say I was really paying attention to you much at first, I could tell that you got my vibe and you were trying to engage with it, but I was in my own headspace. I got something without much consultation of the menu, and that's when I started watching you. You were taking your time with everything and I remember thinking that I'd never had a bartender try my drink by taking a bit of it up into a straw. That threw me. But the drink was good, it was perfect. And you kept talking with me, trying to pull me out of this weird space I was lingering in. Even as the room filled with more people, you stayed engaged with me, and I stayed cautious with you. I mean you were a perfect stranger trying to peer into my soul and I could feel it, the way your eyes pierced through everything. It was intense enough that I left.
In my head I said, I'll never see him again. I guess you could say the universe had other plans.
I returned about a month later, saying to myself that it was just for this drink and that I wanted to show the people with me this taste that I had remembered. I could feel a tightness in my chest when I walked in, I mean what are the chances?
There you were.
In my shock and minor embarrassment, I didn't know how to act. I didn't plan for this, for you to be there again. We had talked, had become familiar in my first visit but I had written you off as a one-time conversation. This time you just looked at me again, that same intense, burning look. I was probably reading into it but then again I couldn't help it; I wanted it to be that intense. When I left, I felt overall dissatisfaction. I had wanted there to be more substance this time around, but I hid that feeling and walked out again.
I returned to the space again at the very end of the month. This time the place was packed, full of people milling around. Again tightness in the chest, a quick holding of my breath but this time, you weren't there. 'See,' I thought, 'A fucking anomaly, move on.' I began to let my mind wander and then I caught a glimpse of something familiar.
You. Weaving through the crowd. Not behind the bar like I had expected, but instead, in the thickness of it all. My heart picked up a bit, but I turned my face away. I shouldn't be hoping for this, and it's stupid to think these run-ins mean anything to him, but I couldn't help it. My face was lit up with a quiet excitement. I think there's a weird seduction surrounding interactions that are so minimal. I wanted more, but in the space that we were in there was no way to have more.
The next night I returned, the crowd was even larger and this time you were behind the bar, working. You seemed so stressed and yet so calm at the same time, it was almost intoxicating to watch. I had to remind myself not to stare, not to give away too much in my face, but I am afraid that I didn't hide anything well. I could tell that the second we exchanged glances, that moment we caught eyes, it was as if I had released a shock wave of intense emotion that hit you directly, revealing everything I was trying so desperately to hide. When I finally got to talk to you, the other noises fell away. The room was so loud and yet I felt that I was there with just you, the background blurring out and reduced to a dull murmur.
Could you tell that I was zoned in on you the way that I was? I wished that we could touch for just one second, to make one connection and see if any electricity flowed. The intensity of a near touch, of wanting a single touch so badly, drove me mad. I could stare into your eyes forever but I wanted to make contact.
Once again, I walked out. Something so sensual and powerful had just rung through my entire body in a matter of a few interactions, a few shared smiles. As if I had lived a powerful love affair in minutes that ended when I crossed the threshold back out into the real world. Such extraordinary fantasies you gave me each time.
I never get like this, I never allow another human to send me into such a spiral with such little action. But I left wanting to make love to your brain, and spend days floating through your soul. Never knew all that could come through a smile.