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For the umpteenth time, I've had to remind myself that there is no one; no one who can do for me, what I can do for me.
Foolishly enough I sometimes indulge in the fantasy of a better life, or whatever 'better' means in comparison to the life I lead now. I sometimes let myself think about my future being shared with someone else. Someone else who, as the fairy tales and cheesy rom-com movies would tell you, loves me for me. Then, when the glamour fades, I'm left with the numbing reality that no one can do for me, what I can do for me.
I am not perfect in any way, but, I have standards. I don't want to marry someone just because it's what I have to do. I also don't want the option of being single to seem like a negative one. I enjoy my own company. I also would enjoy someone else's, but not in a romantic way. It's honestly too much work. That's another thing: I also don't want to share. Simple as that. I hate sharing. I haven't had my own bedroom, my own space, since I was a child. It's the most frustrating thing to have to share a room with someone. Anyone. You can love that person to the moon and back, but sharing rooms is a task for the mighty. Now, I have to grow up and live my life, sharing with someone I'm most likely going to hate in a few months.
Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I'm just realizing, that no one can do for me, what I can do for me. Maybe I wasn't given a good enough example to live up to. Marriage, in my family's life was a common and reoccurring thing. Often with the same people. It is at this age that I realize, I don't understand the concept of forever. Or at least, 'till death do us part'. It's somewhat, daunting, and incomprehensible. I have never been able to visualize what marriage would be like, without separating it from divorce. Meaning, I never thought of it as an ongoing oath, but a temporary promise. I always think 'when I get divorced,' not 'if I get divorced'.
The entire concept is confusing, and seemingly outdated. A marriage will always end. It's either separation by choice or by death. So, why waste my one life with someone else? I have so much that I want to do, that doesn't include walking down an aisle towards forever.
Don't get me wrong, I love weddings. I love love stories. I love to believe that there truly are people out there who are 'meant for each other', but I've never been able to see myself in that equation. I imagined my siblings wedding's growing up, but never my own. It just doesn't match up.
Something about it doesn't click. It's simply impossible. No one can do for me, what I can do for me.
I'm not too young to understand. It's not a phase. I won't change my mind later. I'm not insecure. I'm not confused. I'm not angry. I don't hate love. And it isn't because I haven't met that person yet. I just know, that, no one on this planet can understand me, love me, and tolerate me the way I have come to do for myself. I know for a fact that I can't 'fall in love'. I become infatuated many times a day (trust and believe), but love isn't something I desire from anyone who isn't my family. I don't want that life.
No one is more perfect for me than me, and that's a fact.