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Nightmares and True Love

Appreciation in the Dark

By Eboni LobleyPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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The Smallest Embrace - by Eboni S. Lobley

"You died today.

My blurred eyes were watching you go down into that last resting place. Our kids were screaming for you. I could hear the pain as they called out your name. All I could do was cry silently and stand there lovingly embracing them — I have been keeping them together, for my sake. Do you see us?

I was internally screaming and punching the walls of my head — wondering why you had to go. Can you feel my loneliness? Why couldn't you wait for me? Is this really how we end?

The car ride is slow. Looking out the window, the audience of society looks on as we go past. We can feel the looks of sympathy surrounding us through the metal body of the vehicle. My youngest daughter whimpers into my lap. My eldest holds my hand tight, but she cannot bear looking into my eyes. My son… lost his best friend… He stares blankly at the floor, not making a sound. Does the world feel sorry for us? Do they understand this pain? Reality, I fear, will never set in.

Now, we're heading back to the house and walking up the stairs. Our two daughters hold me up while our son carried our things and manning all of the doors. He knows his place now — and carries this weight on his shoulders eloquently.

"Sorry for your loss." "He is in a better place." "He was a good man." Cold hugs, handshakes, and words hitting the wall of my cold expression. Nothing but black surrounding us. You ARE my husband no matter what they say – you ARE the father of my children. I want your better place to be with me and our family. Am I selfish?

I made that long walk up the stairs towards our bedroom. I know that you saw me go. Quietly shutting the door, to sit in the silence basking in your cologne residing in the walls, I screamed my heart out for you. I can hear my own scream, but I know it changes nothing. Why this? Why are you not here with me in your arms? I miss your caress… Your touch is the only one made for me – why did you go?!

Small cries are heard on the other side of the door. Our children. Our girls fighting to come in while their brother holds them both tightly. He comforts them with soft words and prayer as they yell for me, not ceasing. He assumed the responsibility, he is… the "man of the house."

You died today."

Waking up in a sweat reaching out. Reaching for anyone who can comfort my silent tears. Afraid to open my eyes to see my reality. Just to feel... him. My husband. The warm, breathing, and peacefully sleeping husband that I planned the rest of my entire life to be with — alive.

One of the biggest sighs of relief that I have experienced in a long while. The weight of his eminent departure are now lifted. I can breathe now. I have more time with my love.

Embracing him from behind, just underneath his shoulders. Taking in his scent lingering from his collar. Now, feeling him reach for you unconsciously, holding your hand. He aims to comfort you even in his state of slumber. You are cherished and loved.

Making hushed promises to make your lives full of laughter, love, and happiness. Promises to hold your hand, to make you laugh, to comfort your pain, to listen, to be present... to love you always.

Then your hear him whisper, "I love you. I am not going anywhere."

"You did not die today"

marriage
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About the Creator

Eboni Lobley

A happily married mother of 3 awesome kiddos. A woman that is full of energy and lacking a severe amount of sleep.

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