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Nineteen Months

A Letter to My Love Lost to Suicide in May of 2016 During the 19th Month Since Then

By Tracy APublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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May or June 2015

My dearest Tyler,

A million thoughts race through my mind. A million memories replay over and over again in my head. A million words left unspoken. A million "I love yous" shared between us, and then shared between me and thin air or a picture. A million questions that will never be answered.

Even as I write this I still struggle to find words to truly describe how I feel right now. The holidays are upon us and they make me miss you even more. Honestly, "I miss you," just barely scratches the surface in describing the ache I feel. It is spread throughout the millions of pieces that became my heart and soul. I feel it deep in my bones the longing to have you alive again; and my muscles ache with echoes of you.

No amount of words could ever describe this. This I know. And after all, I was right... I was going to love you whether you were dead or alive. I just wish it was alive.

You may have made me hate you at times. And maybe we were too often like oil and water... We were amazing when we were good, but we were also each other's undoing. From an outside view we were madly in love with each other. But those closest to us knew it was not always rainbows and butterflies.

Despite that we always had each other. We went through hell and back once and were preparing to do so again. Our world was spinning out of our control. And one day we were at different places with ourselves and our situation.

I look back at that time and some days I forget how it got so bad and can not fathom how or why you became suicidal again. I just know every action and reaction was made with one goal in mind: "How far can I push her away from me before I can leave?"

Maybe you did not think that exactly, but having been able to look back at it, that is the only way I can describe your actions. I know most of it was your depression. I mean we lost a baby and were not sure if the following pregnancy was viable, but we knew it was taking its toll on my body and our relationship.

Maybe if we had waited a little longer things would have worked themselves out and we would have came out on top. Who knows... I try not to think of the what ifs, should haves, could haves, and would haves. They hurt just as bad as the memories.

I miss your smile. Not the depressed smile. But your real smile. I miss your laugh. I miss you squeezing my hand three times and knowing what it meant. I miss hearing you say "I love you better," or "I love you," with a little higher pitch and a playful tone on the "you." I miss talking to my best friend. I miss being stared at as I eat dinner. I miss being kissed right after I take a big bite of food. I miss a lot of things I took for granted.

I remember you saying once how you missed and needed something intimately. I never understood that. Until I began craving you in ways I did not know was possible. My body mourns your touch, not just sexually, but in ways I never thought possible.I miss your legs entwined with mine as we cuddled in bed at night. I miss your stubble rubbing against my cheek as you would get as close to me as possible. I miss your hugs. I miss your kisses on my forehead.

Simply put, I just miss everything about you. I miss everything about us; not the bad us, but the good us.

I know you are watching over me. I know you have seen me fail at being in a relationship shortly after your death. I know when someone new entered my life you "backed off" and gave me signs to say, "it is okay to feel this way." I know you have been "quiet." And I know as I deal with these confusing feelings, the unknowns with this someone, and then the holidays and missing you... I know you see me struggle and have been trying to comfort me. I feel your presence again and it makes my head spin. I hear your laugh and I wish it was real and not a memory. I see your sad eyes pleading for me to just be happy and enjoy the moment.

I know I am still a mess. I know I am still finding the new me, the me without you. I am no longer, "Tyler's girl." But I struggle with who I am now. A mother? A daughter? A sister? A best friend? An employee? A mentor? Ah. Yes. I am all of that.

But I am also a broken girl, not just a broken-hearted one. A huge piece of me left with you. I knew right away I would never be the same. How could I be?

Maybe some day the unknowns will become clear. I already know I can feel very similar feelings I had for you towards someone new. Maybe some day I will not be afraid and want to push them away as much as I also want to pull them in.

All I know is that tonight I miss you, and the millions of things that once were and once were supposed to be. Tonight I wonder how I have survived nineteen months and counting without my best friend.

Until next time.

I will love you for always and a lifetime.

Always,

Tracy LeeAnn

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About the Creator

Tracy A

Mother of 3 boys. Survivor of a loved one to suicide. Making the best of life.

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