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Nonexistent

An inner monologue/Message to Myself

The love we should have for ourselves. 

Is it just me that feels nonexistent at times? I find that no matter how much I give or how good I am or what change I make in the world around me, that the impact I will make will be as insignificant as a grain of sand. No good day is ever good enough for the looming gray cloud that plagues this world and my mind. 

I am a woman in a world where my rights are constantly being threatened, a minority in a country where my people are exiled to the land from which they first came, a person in a world where hating yourself has become a norm. While I am aware of the obstacles I face worldsas a woman, as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, as a Latina from a low socioeconomic background, as a person, I have realized that these labels seem to strip me and others of the one thing that every person that will read this has in common: our humanity. 

Human was made for social interaction and the one thing that I have realized is that no matter what we say, we all want to be valued and appreciated. So why have we allowed society to morph itself into a system where we value each other as little as we possibly can? Why are we so scared of the things that we so desperately crave? I have found that within myself, what I fear is the constant possibility of pain that comes with one putting themselves out to the world. And I have combatted that with a love of self so genuine and so human that sometimes it is shaken but it is as imperfect as I am. 

Why are we so scared to see that we are faulted? Why are we so scared to build a foundation of love for ourselves that will withstand the world's hatred? I hope to see a world that cherishes the love that it will breed, that teaches young men and young women to respect themselves and each other and put themselves on the pedestals that will empower them to empower themselves and others. I crave a world in which religion is no longer seen as a reason to beat each other down, that we learn to respect and even care for the humanity of one another before placing judgement, a society in which all races, genders, sexualities, and religions live in the harmony that was meant for mankind. 

I hope that one day my children can love the color of their caramel skin, the sound of the music from their homeland and not hate what they see in the mirror, how I used to. I hope they don't stay out of the sun, like I did, and unleash all that their melanin is willing to give them. I hope that they make friends that don't look like them, that they open their hearts and minds to the ideas and wisdom that I will not bestow onto them. I hope that they learn to be loving and kind, to be helpful and stand up for what they know is wrong. I want them to know that they can make mistakes and still be worthy of love. I want them to know that there is strength within them, that they are beautiful no matter what happens. These are all things I wish I had know. 

I wish I had been able to go to someone when I was molested. I wish that someone had instilled these bits of wisdom in my young, misguided heart when I thought I was in love, when I was used, when I was broken for the hell of it. To my younger self, I am sorry for not loving you and you have blossomed into a strong, intelligent, loving individual who is looking to impart my wisdom onto those who may need it. If you needed a pick me up, a sign, a love message to yourself, THIS IS IT. YOU ARE LOVED.