Not Good Enough

Life is difficult...

Things have been black and blue... Brown and gray... Things have been plain—Monochromatic. Your own house became this loud playground of solitude and ignorance. Every corner, every spot, every sight that you encounter seems to be empty.

What is wrong with this environment?

I try to invite familiar faces, cook delicious food, put on a funny movie for a smile or a laugh, but.

It's so high up to climb... Familiar faces—same old masks. Warm colorful food- tasteless cups and spoons.

It took forever to say a simple, "Hello."

I waited, practiced, but even before the intro, "Goodbye" already has said its name. I went to my safe haven; there are times where, I embraced the floor or kiss my lover, as I stayed there, listening to the lovely ballads of solitude.

Am I sad? Am I content? Am I missing a puzzle piece?

Late at night, my phone rang. I answered and serendipity said, "Hi."

We talked for hours and hours, and suddenly, I can see the color "Red" again.

19 May 2018: For the first time in a long time, I can see colors. For the first time in a long whole, I can hear the songs being played in the radio. For the first time, in such an awful long time—I smiled.

She's beautiful, beyond compare. She's great! Witty, bright, a ray of sunshine. She's a very caring person. The way she moves her hair behind her ear as she looks up at me and smiles. Down to earth, always has a soft spot for the homeless and elderly. She doesn't even like stepping on cockroaches and her reasoning is that, "They have a family to go home to." She's an angel. All the flowers in the world are nothing, compared to her. Fun. Lively. Exciting. Random. There's always new to her, there's never a blank spot in her agenda. I'm falling for her...

As the day is done, the moon smiles up. We have to depart, saddening yet, comforting. I reached out for an embrace. Such a longing embrace. Who knew, human contact would be this soft?

As I got home, I broke off my engagement with my lover with a smile on my face. My phone rang—and I could hear the ballads of her voice.

2 AM: I'm laughing way too hard and I'm smiling way too much- and in that moment I knew. In that moment, I was screwed.

But...

2:15 AM: Another instrument played.

2:15 AM: "Come back to bed with me."

2:15 AM: "I'll be there honey."

2:15 AM: "I have to go, my fiancee wants me to go to bed now. Nice talking, Goodnight!"

2:15 AM: I lost all colors.

I went to the bathroom, to find a man... A boy. A lonesome, stupid boy. I started noticing everything that is wrong, everything that is lacking, everything about me that is, not good enough.

Everything is black, everything is blue, everything is gray, everything about me is just, not good enough! My face, my hair, my voice. I'm not handsome, I'm not good-looking. There's nothing about me that is exciting. Nothing about me that is worth staying for. Nothing about me is just not enough...

What is wrong with me?

It's four in the afternoon, I fell asleep. I cried way too much. I let it out. I looked back at the mirror, and what was I sad for? Was I devastated over the fact that I cannot please the girl? Was I devastated over the fact that I couldn't keep the girl? But, that's okay, right?

I feel a sense of relief. I'm relieved. Crying last night, took weight off from my shoulders... What have I been doing?

I went outside the bathroom and realized, everything isn't monochrome. Everything is white. My eyes were too dirty to truly see colors. I've been blaming this lonesome feeling to this environment, when honestly speaking. It was just me. I needed something to clean the dirt off my eyes. I just needed to open the bottle cap and let it out.

Let it out. Let it all out.

Don't stack your insecurities. Let it out then improve.

Because no matter what,

You Are Good Enough.