Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

Have you ever felt utterly different, meaning as in so confused you've truly been convinced yellow is blue and you know the difference but can not seem to change how you look at things?

Funny description, I am aware but this is how I felt for years.

Growing up, addiction and chaos was my safe haven. I lived and breathed living on the edge and unknowingly this is how I accustomed my adult life..

Let me start from the turning point in my life.

It was the 8th grade, going into high school I was terrified and excited. My mom and dad broke up for the 100th time and this time it was for good. My mom met a new guy (who was a severe drug addict) and my life was falling apart. None of that mattered to me tho walking into those doors. Just knowing in a few short years I would be 18 made everything better. I hated my life and wanted to do opposite of my life growing up, but little did I know how to do that once turning 18, which looking back on now is kind interesting. See, I wanted everything opposite of my parents for a relationship, lifestyle, and even how I presented myself..

My relationships after all the traumas and turmoil I seen were exactly like my family. I saute out partners who weren't just like one parent but both combined. I had 3 significant relationships in my life upon reaching 20. "Leroy" - He was my very first boyfriend, attractive, driven, and wanted a life opposite of his own growing up. Truly he was a confused young man who fell into selling drugs and a life of crime but I was in love. Well I mean it was exciting... him being jealous, having to see him in hotels while he came home because if my family found out I would be in so much trouble. Him not only being mentally abusive but emotionally abusive was exactly what I was "used to." The fact I hated drugs because they ruined my life and to fall for a drug dealer gave me this sense of comfort. As much as I hated it, I loved it the same way.

"Mitchle" - Ahh. Yes the boyfriend to get over my first abusive boyfriend. He was really nice looking, in university, and to top it off his family were millionaires. Now to transition into a thugged out school drop out to this guy was a new pace for me. Everything seemed fantastic until his mental illness, alcoholism, and abusive colors started to show. See what I've learnt in life is that with each partner I was finding they were all just as chaotic, manipulative, and "shiny" as my parents were.

"Brenard"- Now this was the one who took the cake and ate it too, metaphorically speaking. The first months after meeting him I was so head over heels it wasn't even funny. He of course was a closet addict, a dealer, and also the worlds greatest con-artist. Now unlike anyone before he made me feel safe, wanted and I thought I found my soulmate. Four short months after being in this relationship I was using hard substances with him, in and out of the clinic for being diabetic and partying, moved in and so over my head it wasn't even funny. Progressively my relationships got worse; not only abusive wise but how far I allowed myself to be fooled by my own thoughts.

Now after looking at all of these individuals I realized the common thing was me.

Until I started going to counselling and doing some digging into why I do the things I do, I couldn't change. Everyone always judged the paths I took until I took intuitive of my own life.

I mean nothing changes if nothing changes.

Today I am still the same person but with a different outlook on relationships. I don't need a partner I need to save or one who needs to save me. No one really knows what they're doing in life from my perspective but as long as you acknowledge your "character defects" things get a lot easier.

Today is a different story. I live a pretty "normal" life. I work my day job, study at night, and come home to a guy who in the midst of all my chaos watched from the sidelines until I was ready to be "loved" properly. This statement is probably the hardest to write of them all, to finally realize when you forgive something may stubble into your path that is far better then you can imagine.

My lifestyle and things that make me tick quite possibly will never leave my personality but it is easier to come to terms with now. I can choose the life I live because I'm prepared to see the bad and the good.

My parents had their own demons that they might now of seen but they gave me the gift of self recognition and for that I will always be thankful.