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Now It's My Turn

Try, Pursue, Feel

All throughout school, I had a friend who I trusted with everything. I still do. He was the one person that I knew I could always call or text when I wasn't feeling myself and just needed someone to listen or whenever something amazing had happened. He would always listen and try his best to help, no matter the situation. We talked about anything and everything, ups and downs, family struggles, high school drama, homework, even relationship problems. That last one is the one that makes me a terrible person. See, I knew that he actually had wanted to be more than friends for a pretty long time. He wasn't shy about his feelings and he had told me on multiple occasions how he felt. But I was always hung up on other people who weren't worth my time. And there he was, always ready to listen to my latest failed attempt at a relationship and try to pick me up. 

Eventually, things kind of fell apart. I think he finally got tired of me not giving him a chance, and we drifted apart and didn't talk at all. As bad as it sounds, I thought I might have been better off without him. I was doing my own thing, being super involved at school with new friends and old friends. Then it was senior year and I was planning for my future, he was planning for his, no contact with each other so that meant no sharing our opinions with each other. I didn't think anything of it until I heard that he had chosen to serve our country and he would be leaving in a few months. And of course, being stupid me, I didn't say anything or try to talk to him or see him, and next thing I know... he's gone and across the country. 

After he had been gone for about three months, it all hit me. I realized why I never said anything. It was because when I heard it from some random kid at school instead of him it broke my heart. With that realization came another... I love him. I mean I always knew I loved him, but I never thought it was anything more than a friend. But having him almost 1,500 miles away, I felt like a piece of me was missing and opened my eyes to how I felt about him. So I took a chance and contacted him. We started talking again and things were going great. I decided to tell him how I felt.

Well... he was shocked and confused. And uninterested. He told me that he has feelings for me and always has, nothing for him has changed but he wasn't interested. 

Okay, WHAT?! How does that even make sense? I finally told him what he wanted to hear and he doesn't want to try to see about being more than friends? I was confused and have been confused for a couple months. But I think it's starting to make sense now. After all of that time and all of his efforts, I never gave him a chance, so why should he give me one? He dealt with being "just friends" for years. Well, I get it now. 

Now it's my turn. It's my turn to try. It's my turn to be there for him as a friend and nothing more. It's my turn to put myself out there. It's my turn to pursue him. And most importantly, it's my turn to feel unwanted.

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