Now You're Just Somebody I Used to Know

The worst part of this story is that I truly thought that he was going to be with me. Plot twist: He didn't choose me; he chose the other girl. This story is a rollercoaster filled with a long history, awkward stages, a school retreat, prom, and so many missed opportunities.

I met this boy in my freshman year of high school, and he was a grade below me. We're both choir nerds and like to sing. From the very first day, we became instant friends and always made each other laugh. For being 15, I was very happy just to have a good guy friend. But when I had to switch to the high school while he stayed at the junior high for his freshman year, it was very upsetting to not see my friend. It was very hard my sophomore year to get used to the new school, people, classes, and everything in between. At some points I really missed my friend.

Go forward in time to my junior year, his sophomore year, and I totally forgot that we would have a class together—after all, I haven't talked to him in about a year. So when I saw him again, it was just how we left off my freshman year. I finally got my friend back, and I couldn't be happier. All throughout class we couldn't stop talking to each other across the room and making jokes. But what I didn't realize is that I started to have feelings for him. I had never had these feelings before and to be honest, I was scared with what I was feeling. It was the one thing I felt that I couldn't tell my best friend.

What I didn't know, because of social media, was that he was talking to another girl. Until one night after a concert and everyone went to IHOP, did I see him kiss her. It completely broke my heart. I felt betrayed, hurt, angry, and just wanted to be anywhere else, but there. Since that night, he's stopped talking to me as much, and started to distance himself from everyone else, too. Everyone felt they were losing a friend because of his girlfriend. All I wanted at that time was to have my friend back, but he was gone and wouldn't come back until a time that I didn't know would come.

It then became one of the biggest nights of the school year: Prom. At the time I would talk to him, when it was just him and I. That's when he was really himself, not anything else. But at prom, I saw something in him that I didn't know was there.

I went to prom with all my girlfriends since we didn't have dates. And we had such a fun time seeing everyone dressed up, dancing, singing, and lots and lots of pictures (of course). Throughout the night I saw him, with his girlfriend and their own group. But something seemed off about them, especially him. I didn't want to give too much attention, after all I was still trying to move on from him. A little.

When I stepped out into the lobby to find the bathroom, a friend stopped me and told me that his friend group showed up to prom drunk. I was completely stunned. I couldn't believe that he would make a choice like that. But everyone is capable of doing things you thought they wouldn't do.

I then went over to talk to the group, after all they were my peers. And they were seniors—except him. So. when I said my goodbye to the seniors, I knew I wouldn't see them again. I knew I would see him again. I walked over going and hugging each of the seniors, but I saw that he was upset. But not just upset; destroyed.

In that moment, it didn't feel real. I didn't believe what I was saw, felt, heard, and understood. When I had walked over to say goodbye to him, he looked at me and I saw a heart shatter. The emotion, embarrassment, and pain in that look rushed through my body. When I had hugged him, I felt so much that words cannot describe. I couldn't let go and he couldn't either. I had to tell him that things would work out. In my mind they had, too. It's what we both needed to hear. His arms held me so much tighter and stronger that I knew when we'd let go, it had felt like letting go of everything.

My friend who had joined me after I let go told me to turn around, but I didn't understand what she said. I wish that I had, it could have been a factor to the future. She said that as I walked away, more tears had fallen down his face, "seeing a heart shatter in real life."

Every year our choir would go camping for the weekend (a retreat). I had never gone and I had no idea what to expect. It was my first and last retreat since I'm a senior. I was in the choir room trying to get to know all the new people's names. While just talking in the choir room, someone came running in saying, "(he) is here, he's coming on the retreat!"

I was terrified. I hadn't seen him or talked to him for four months. I had no idea if he even remembered our encounter at prom. When I had the five seconds to prepare myself for what could happen take place, so many things went through my head. I mostly regret not looking as nice that day.

I go out into the hallway, where he was standing saying hi to so may other kids, I didn't know when to take my chance. But then we saw each other at the same time. For a split second it was so weird to see him. All by himself, trying to be himself again. But soon it truly felt like a movie scene, both having bright, happy smiles go across our faces. We met in the middle and gave a "it had felt like years since I have seen you, and I missed you" hug.

We reconnected quickly, avoiding the talk about prom. I didn't want to talk about it, and I knew he wouldn't. He did get kicked out of school and had to go to an academy school for nine weeks. At first he didn't talk to anyone else really, mostly myself and a few others. We knew that he wasn't as comfortable with the others as he was with us.

We then had to get on our bus and travel to our campsite and set up our beds and get divided into teams. Everyone was asked to come into the mess hall to get divided into our teams. It was down to the last six people, myself included. Each team had five to six people. Our teacher was calling out the last person that would be on his team. When my teacher said my name to be on his team, I didn't know how to feel. I was happy to have the chance to be with him more. But also very nervous, we would have to spend the whole time as a team together: Eating, games, challenges, singing competitions, ALL of it. We were basically together the entire retreat. It was great to spend our time together doing different things, and learning more about who we are as people.

The last night of the retreat, everyone was outside looking at the stars and taking with each other. We had all learned about each other and learned to work together in different ways. Plus we learned lots of weird stuff about each other, and did weird things too. I mean all the guys took their shirts off (were the girls surprised, not at all). At one point it was just him and I talking about our names, families, and other people, among other topics. I was so happy to think that I was getting my old friend back.

The next morning we had a heart to heart meeting where everyone was in a circle and would share things about what they had felt or wanted to say about the retreat. I went before him saying that I was very nervous going into choir without my sister—that I was jumping out of my comfort zone. In the circle he was sitting next to me. When I had finished he gave me a fist bump knowing that I felt vulnerable, knowing that it was hard for me. When he had gone, he apologized to all the older members that were there last year. Saying the embarrassment, standards, and attention given to the choir for what he did, he felt ashamed of it. Looking at each member he seemed sincere. When he looked at me tears swelled in his eyes. His tears started when he looked at me, and fell when we he looked away. It was a moment where both of us felt defenseless and let out guards down. That's when I felt the connection.

This story of so many moments written about and kept between us, you would think we would be together. I would have rooted for us, if I were on the other team. But things didn't change.

When he came back to the high school I would see him once in a while, saying hey and talking. Social media allowed us to talk a little, but not much. We were face-to-face people. But I guess he wasn't media enough for me, but for another girl. I'd come to find out he was talking with a girl in our choir, it hurt me so bad because I realized I had feelings for him, again. These feelings felt more real than before. This is a 17-year-old's feelings, not 15. I knew what I wanted, and I wanted it with him.

I felt so betrayed, by myself. I couldn't believe that I let myself not have control over what I was feeling anymore. I didn't think I would have a chance, so I told him I had feelings. Not knowing they were dating.

I said upfront that I did have feelings. So, when he messaged back, "you know I'm dating her, right?" I felt a pit fall into my stomach, I just wanted to fall into that pit.

Since then, only a few hellos, lots of awkward eye contact, and a lot of tension between us has been the only "communication" we've had. From talking to others they all see that when he's not with her, he's so lively, happy, making jokes, being how I used to know him.

I've thought about many moments that could have changed the relationship between us, but the past can't be changed. Many choir friends have told me that seeing us on the retreat, they thought that we were dating/talking. I wish we were. The story could have been a happy ending.

I know that everything that I could have done now has been done. That there can't be a regret left behind for me to carry. I wanted my last year of high school to be great, especially with my closest friends. I guess he isn't my friend anymore, just somebody that I used to know.