Of Self Worth & Living Free

So we all have battles that we are facing. Our inner demons, you may call it, but nonetheless that thing that constantly weighs us down or makes us feel like we are never going to be good enough.

I read the post about a girl whose boyfriend got married without her realizing she was the side chick… She had plenty laughing emoticons in her story and, detached, I said to myself, "that must hurt" but refused to put a deeper thought to it.

Then early this morning I read about one that decided to keep sleeping around to numb her pain and even though I felt her pain, I refused to internalize it but guess what—those girls are me combined. I’ll tell my bit but let me start with this…

My “boyfriend” got back in and we got talking. See, he had a habit of acting kinda cranky and not being apologetic about it and he had done that yesterday so I felt a bit miffed with him, coupled with the fact that I was in a low state.

We got talking and somehow the talk got to talking about his ex and the only woman he has ever loved and felt a connection with (this isn’t really the point) and I asked him what he would do if she came back and his response was to ask me, "What would I do?" Knowing that was a smart way of eluding the question, I stressed that I wasn’t the one who had the “love of my life” situation to which his answer was in the movies, what always happens: They always went back to the one person they loved. That really hurt because then I asked if he was just going to tell the person he was dating, "Sorry but the love of my life is back!" His response was flippant and a "Thank you for reminding me of why I’m not in relationships." That was like a slap in the face.

I got up from bed where we lay, walked into the bathroom, and the tears spilled, not really because of what he said but because it hit me once again what my problem has always been in my relationships or lack of it... my lack of self worth!

The truth is a lot of us have been damaged as kids and indirectly made to feel we are worthless and never good enough. I will stress here that this might not be an intentional act on the parts of our parents but nonetheless it happens. I’m in my late 30s but I still act timid, find it difficult to really communicate my feelings, bottle a whole lot inside, only explode when I can’t take it anymore, and that’s about when I stand my ground (in anger), but once that anger dissipates, I’m back to the shy, timid person I always am.

It’s difficult for me to have female friends and I prefer the male company and I know for certain it has a lot to do with never feeling fully accepted among the females I grew up with. Most times, as kids we seek validation especially from those we look up to and when we don’t get it, there’s a paradigm shift and our psyche is distorted and by the time we are done with high school, the damage rift has been created.

I never really had a father figure in my life, had to live in my maternal grandma’s house with my mum and siblings with the cousins always coming over, so in a way, it felt like we were the incomplete ones. It didn’t help that they had more money than us (my mum was a teacher). Let’s say a whole lot of things went down as well, including me seeing my mum crying in the midst of two of her siblings because she probably needed their assistance and they had reasons to complain about her. I’m not completely sure of what... I was 7 or 8 at that time and I vowed to myself right there and then never to depend on anyone or have reason to ask for help from people (it’s still something I find difficult to do).

Over the years, I have realized that the guys I have dated always had the same pattern… incomplete, broken, or something in that lane and I always feel I can mend those hearts, a reflection of my damaged self. I realized that for the many times decent guys have asked me out I found a reason not to like them and always found fault in them. The truth is I was hiding behind the fear of never being good enough! I was/still am afraid that I’ll transfer my damage to them and ruin them like I’ve been ruined. There’s a sense of comfort in being in the midst of people you feel at home with…people that are of the same damage or hurt as you so you don’t feel out of sync. While I won’t say I sleep around like the second girl whose story I read, I will say I do seek validation from those I feel a connection with and when I should know better, to take things slow, I’m ready to offer all of me hoping it would be the right one but the truth, as I have come to realize, is that if I don’t know my self-worth and I don’t accept that I am worthy of something good, it will always be the same outcome day in, day out. I can’t give what I don’t have and if I don’t think I’m good enough, no one else will or maybe most won’t no matter how much they try.

So, while I locked myself in the bathroom with the tears pouring down, laughing hysterically and water cascading from the shower, I know I’m those two girls combined; for certain I don’t want to be with anyone anymore because I’m spent! I wish I could park up and just go away and never have to worry about anyone but I don’t have the boldness to leave everything and everyone (family) behind and just take a walk. That’s still me wanting to fix my family so the younger generations don’t go through our hurt but can I really?!!

I now understand that it isn't about being around people or around "The One" but knowing and understanding myself. It is important to acknowledge I am worthy of all things my heart desires and even though life happens, it is ok to have lows but more crucial to know it doesn't limit my self worth. I am evolving, dream to someday soon go live by the sea, and just breathe and let go of it all.