On Borrowed Time

It’s hard to know that you’re going to die. I mean, everyone eventually does, but it’s worse when you know how you’re going to die. I was 32 when I got diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and I was given about three years to live.

The months leading up to my diagnosis felt like Hell on Earth. At first it was just little things, such as stiff muscles and cramps. I thought that maybe they were just coincidences since I avidly enjoyed working out. However, I then started to feel worse and worse everyday, until it got to a point where the pain became unbearable and I found myself frequently trying to catch my breath. After my diagnosis, I tried to stay at home as often as I could. I quit my job, cut ties with my friends and family, and I started spiraling down into a deep depression. Long days turned into long nights, and sadness turned into unfathomable rage.

I hated myself, and what I had become. Hard liquor became my new best friend. I spent countless nights getting wasted, and I spent the better part of my days in bed, hungover and full of spite. Whatever little time I had left was not being used wisely. I continued on this path of destruction for a while, and every day I kept getting a little bit worse. A little bit more lonely. And then something changed. Julianna changed me.

I first met Julianna at a local support group. I didn’t think anything good would come of it, but I went anyways because my doctor recommended that I try new things and that I put myself out there. And there she was. She was so beautiful, the way her copper hair glinted in the light. One month later we got married and I couldn’t have asked for anyone greater.

Julianna brought out the parts of me that I thought had died along with my diagnosis. She showed me a whole new world. God, I loved her so much. She opened my heart, and made me realize that time is a precious commodity that shouldn't be wasted.

So with her help, I cleaned up my act and I began to live my life to the fullest, with whatever little time I had left. We sold our house and moved to the country where the two of us could spend the remainder of our days as peacefully as we could.

In the spring, I went to the doctors for my monthly check up and I was told that my cancer had gone into remission. The two of us were overcome with joy. We were now both cancer free. We had my parents fly in from Calgary and celebrated. Three months later Julianna told me she was pregnant. Things were looking up. Julianna was so excited to become a mother.

She said that it was amazing how we had created something so wonderful when we both had experienced so much suffering. Even though we both had countless doctors appointments, it was bearable because I had Julieanna and she had me.

Then one fateful day in August, things took a turn for the worse. I was in the shower when I heard Julieanna crying and shouting my name from the bedroom. I came running out with nothing but a towel on to find her crying and covered in blood. I couldn’t move, my body had become paralyzed. I thought that if I stood still, nothing bad could happen. Her voice shouting my name brought me back to my senses. “SHAWN”, she cried out. “HELP ME.”

We quickly found out that she had a miscarriage. Her body couldn’t support our child because her cancer had came back in full force and was going in for the kill. Julianna spent a month in the ICU, and I visited her everyday. The last day I spent with her, I recounted the story of how we first met.

“The first time I saw you, I knew that I was going to marry you,” I said taking her hand.

“Is that so?” Julieanna said with a laugh.

“It is,” I responded. “You were so beautiful Jules. The way your hair glinted in the light, and how your smile lit up the entire room… you made my heart stop.”

Julieanna laughed again, this time trying to catch her breath. “Tell me more,” she said closing her eyes.

“I remember walking up to you after group. I asked you if I could borrow a pen. You gave me two.”

“A blue one, and a black one,” she said eyes still closed.

“That’s right. A blue one and a black one. I wrote down my number on the back of my nametag, hoping that you would call me. Twenty minutes after leaving group you did,” I said choking back tears.

Julieanna opened her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes and looked at me. “I love you Shawn. You are the light in my darkness, and my anchor in troubled times. I love you so much. Promise me that even after I’m gone, you’ll continue to live life to the fullest. After all were on borrowed time.”

“I promise,” I choked out, tears coming down my face.

She then closed her eyes once more, never to be opened again.

Three days later we had her funeral. It was a small gathering, there were only ten people including her parents and our friends from group. Her parents said a few words, and I did too, making sure that she was buried along with the two pens she gave me when we first met.

After her funeral I went home and wrote down ten things that I was grateful for. Being able to get a second chance on life because of Julianna was at the top of the list. The next day I visited her grave with the list and some flowers.

Two years have now passed since she died, but I still visit her everyday and I continue to keep my promise. To live my life to the fullest. After all, we're on borrowed time.