On the Path to Healing

Ever wondered how to get over a broken heart? Well, truth is, you can't really get over it straight away but there are a few ways that can lessen the aching painful feeling that you feel inside your heart.

When I had a boyfriend, he was my first real ever boyfriend. The first guy I fully gave myself too and I mean I gave him my everything. I guess he was my first love and before you say anything, I was 18 when I first dated because I was scared to let myself fall but I fell hard for my ex-boyfriend, really hard.

I did everything I could to just keep him happy. We were going through what my mum's calls "the honeymoon period." I told her she was wrong, that the guy I was dating was caring, sweet, compassionate and funny, that he liked me and nothing would change the way he acts towards me... Boy was I wrong and she was right!!

I guess the saying "mums know best" is not completely false. They really do, though—we really don't like to believe that sometimes.

You're probably thinking, "where are you going with this?" but if you will just be patient and read on, you will fully understand where I am going with this.

My ex after four months completely changed. He turned lazy, he showed me a side of him that I never thought he was even capable of doing. In my eyes, he could do no wrong and was perfect. He made sure to make sure I was completely and utterly in love with him before he showed his true colours because he knew then I wouldn't leave and I would put up with his wrong doings, his attitude and rudeness, his occasional harsh words and actions. That he would have me completely wrapped around his fingers, under his mercy, and I wouldn't do anything about it. It was true, I guess.

I'm suffering with anxiety and depression and have been since a young age as my life hasn't been jolly (as it's nearly Christmas, I will use that phrase!). During the relationship, I had a lot of weight upon my shoulders with my family problems and my job and a boyfriend who says he understands but really doesn't. I felt incredibly alone and I had no one to go to because my boyfriend was never one to be serious or even listen to me when I try to tell him how I'm feeling. He will just be on his phone or sleep and completely blank on me because he is busy on his computer. It felt awful when he would just laugh when I tell him something personal and deep about my problem but I pushed that feeling away and made an excuse because I thought he was never one to be able to be serious upon serious situations and that it wasn't his fault and I had to just deal with it and not change that about him because I didn't want to come off as pushy or clingy.

Sometimes I go distant and I feel so overwhelmed that I either sing or read (mainly read) books to clear my mind and take me out of my reality because I just need that kind of release. It's a good feeling taking your mind off of its worrying and responsibilities and just letting it go free with the adventures of the books and its characters and the thrill of it. It's an amazing feeling to write as well. It brings me a sense of longing and freedom. However, when I go into that state, I just want to be alone and I just want to write and get away and that sometimes is when he wants attention...

Anyway, he kept breaking his promises, going out with his friends, playing on the computer, and would just completely ignore me until it was time for bed and only then did he want attention and sex. Sometimes I didn't want it but that didn't stop him. I could never get alone time with him because his version of alone time was in bed or in his room. I didn't mind but I did after a while because I felt trapped and ignored, which didn't do good with my Anxiety. Heck, I had to hang around with his friends just to be with him because he wouldn't spend time with me out and about with just the two of us. It was either too much effort or he was tired.

I was never needy, far from it because I never wanted to be that kind of girlfriend. I didn't want to be clingy or make him feel pressured. I wanted to be someone he wanted me to be because I trusted him but I do have my limits, like everyone does. Every time I did what he did to me, he never liked it. He would get so mad and upset with me, to the point it would make me cry. I cried many times to sleep because of him and what always made me mad was when he would hug me from behind and ask me what's wrong. He knew what he did, he knew what made me upset, and yet he made himself out to be the good guy, the victim. Of course, it would lead him to want more of me. He always did at night and when I would say no he continued and I just let him because I wanted him to be happy or if I continued to say no, he would get angry and just turn over and fall asleep.

I haven't told my story. Heck, this isn't even all of it but you get the picture. My relationship to me was one heck of an experience, an experience I would never want again but sadly, I still do love him.

Eventually I gave up with him. I wanted space. I wanted to be with my mum and family and to just wrap my head around everything. I didn't talk to him for days and when I did I was vague and my sentences were short. It had only been two days until he messaged me angrily and asked me if I had cheated and that he was done with me. He was harsh. He never understood how harsh he was to me.

I was so heartbroken but relieved at the same time. I tell everyone that I only cried for about a minute with my mum and that was it. I lied. I cried myself to sleep, feeling so empty and lost for days. He destroyed me. He killed me inside to the point where I just wanted to lock my emotions up and keep them in the back of my mind. My family hated him and said I was better off without him.

What hurts most is that I was pregnant. He didn't believe me, said that I was being stupid and paranoid and that he didn't want a baby. I had all the symptoms. Due to the stress of everything happening in my life, I lost the baby. That messed me up.

So, many think that just because he treated me badly that it was easier for me to get over him and call things off—well, it wasn't. I still loved him. I still thought about going back to him as he said he had changed, that he was sorry and he even wrote me a letter.

What I did to get myself sorted was: I deleted all of the pictures revolving him and me. I deleted him off every social media account. I even went as far as moving in with my sister who lived in a place far away from my ex. I wanted a clean slate. I needed to get myself together. It didn't happen over night and I still felt depressed. I kept myself busy and decided to play with my niece and nephew more and help clean my sister's house and help her with simple things. It was hard at night as that was when I would be thinking about him most but eventually it got easier. Eventually I started to tell myself how I needed this, how he treated me wrongly, how what he did to me wasn't right and what someone who is supposed to love you, should do to you.

It took me a while but I soon felt better about myself and I saw him clearly as a person. I was blinded by love. I was infatuated with him and everything about him was amazing. He could do no wrong in my eyes and no one that spoke bad about him was right, even though now I know they were. I also just had other problems to deal with and knew that there were plenty more men out there for me, that would love me for myself.

There isn't really anything you can do about getting over your ex but having a clear mind. You have to want to get over him. You have to want to try and be better off without him. Once your mind believes that you want to refresh yourself and your heart and your mind then that is what you will do.

I know you will think that you can't live without him, that your life is over and you will never find someone as perfect of like your ex again but that's the point. He, honey, is your ex and he was a chapter, a lesson well learned. Something that you have experienced and I promise it will get better. It will get easier and I wish I could say that you will fully forget him but that would be a lie. You can never get over your first love. They will always be in your heart and I guess sometimes in your mind. You must forgive him in order to forget him.

So here is what I did. It is different for everyone as everyone deals with things in their own way but this is how I managed to fully recover and how I turned my ex away when he came back to me—not fully enough where I stopped thinking about him but to the point where I know I am better off without him. I myself feel free when I am not with him.

1. Cry and let it all out.
2. Delete all his pictures and all of his social media accounts.
3. Stay clear of his friends and all those who remind you of him.
4. Stay with someone you love, like a friend or a family member in a place that you know he won't go.
5. Distract yourself.
6. Cry again if you feel the need to but cry for yourself. Don't cry for him again because he isn't worth it.
7. Admit to someone what happened and accept their words of compliments.
8. Try to clear your head and think about the truthful words everyone said to you before and think hard about what happened in your relationship.
9. Come to terms with everything.
10. After however long you needed to fix yourself, you will gradually start to feel yourself start to come back down to reality. You will see pictures of your ex and would feel nothing and only when you feel content with yourself and no longer feel the need to go back to him will you finally be okay.

Again, this is how I dealt with my break up and yes, I may not be fully healed still but I know that I will not want to go back to him because I know that he wasn't good for me. When I hear someone speak his name, it doesn't hurt me anymore. When I see his pictures, I don't feel anything anymore.

It took me months to finally recover and yes, it has left scars on my heart but I am more content with myself and more aware of what's good for me and what isn't right in a relationship. I know I may not trust much and I don't think no one ever will but I know that you will someday find a guy that will wipe all traces of your ex away and you will be the happiest you've ever been.

Your ex was a chapter to your story book and chapter's ended. Go onto a new one. You had an experience and you learnt from that so be proud of yourself, like I am proud of myself.