On the Promise of Better Things

We as human beings have a deep desire to feel loved, cared about, thought about, and wanted. Think of how wonderful you feel after watching the proverbial “boy gets girl” romantic comedy; even the most “manly” of men have smiles watching two people finally embrace each other after turmoil and missed signals. The culture of "love" is a two-sided coin, though. On the one side is compassion, tenderness, respect, affection, and connection; on the other is objectification, instant gratification, emotional disconnection, and conquests of promiscuity. There is nothing inherently wrong with the flip-side of that coin, but deep emotional connections and mutual respect are virtually unattainable if a physical release is all we want with another person.

I know how intimidating it is to put one’s own love out into the ether. There is a unique kind of fear in being vulnerable and sharing emotions that we may not even understand for ourselves. Add to that difficulty, the notion that our lives may continue for decades, and it becomes even harder to open our hearts. Where is the urgency, if we have time to do all the other stuff in our lives? Opening our minds to our own vulnerability is a titanic effort, as vulnerability often brings pain, fear, and uncertainty; however, the longevity of life is not guaranteed, nor is the promise of true happiness a certainty unless we face our own inherent fragility. If true love is a poker game, then the effort to become vulnerable is tantamount to going all-in. Putting all of one’s chips in that pot of love is the key to unlocking the promise of better things.

We all have aspects of our life where we put the lion’s share of our zest and passion. For some people that determination goes into their career, for others it’s in travel, and for people like me… it’s in love. To be endowed with the love of another person makes it possible to achieve all the dreams one could have in their lifetime; and to give that same love to someone else adds even more oxygen to the flame of life. That love only resides in the hearts of people who truly and unequivocally trust each other. How does someone find a person with whom they trust with their very life? We can find that kind of love by being completely and whole-heartedly honest with ourselves. I’d be a liar if I said that kind of honesty doesn’t come with its own tumultuous baggage, though.

I have had to humble myself in big ways; behaviors that I wasn’t conscious of, in the past, have cut the tethers of good women’s hearts. Pride, egocentricity, laziness, and stubbornness wrapped me in self-deluded comfort; each time those vanities gave a former love interest a reason to leave, it would leave me shocked and broken hearted. In the aftermath of losing love, I would learn a little something here and a little something there. Most importantly, I believe, is the lesson that we cannot dispute the validity of someone who feels hurt by our actions or words. When someone says we have hurt them, one of our first instincts is to become defensive, right? We must try to remove the bias of egoism as we discern how our actions have caused that hurt; by doing so, we learn more about ourselves, while also building foundations of trust with the people who we’ve hurt.

One might ask: “Why should I be so focused on finding love?" I wouldn’t say that there is a rush, nor should we only concern ourselves with finding a “soul-mate” (Truth is, I don’t even believe in soul mates). I believe that true love can be found with anyone who compliments one’s existence; for example, sharing similarities that strengthen compatibility, while having enough differences to ensure individual autonomy. The idea that there is one person who can complete my existence seems too limiting in a world of almost eight billion people. What I will say is that a life lived with companionship is a great life to live, and should that companionship be with a person who compliments your very existence, then even better!

My personal impetus on being happy, comes from my many run-ins with the grim reaper. You see, I died before I ever took my first breath on this planet; I was suffocated during birth and flat-lined. Luckily, the doctors attending my birth resuscitated me after an emergency caesarian section. In the thirty years since that eventful birth, I have evaded Death’s grasp half a dozen times, and those run-ins taught me to live in the present moment and happily take whatever life has presented me. We live in a time where it seems hatred, distrust, and arrogance are the laws of the land, but what better way to dispel that kind of negativity than to bring love and compassion into everything we do? In my earlier years, I was exceptionally guarded and secretive with all my emotions. I’m still rather taciturn and reserved, but not when it comes to sharing any degree of the love I have for others; however, it can feel like the surest way to un-nerve someone is to be wholeheartedly compassionate, open, and honest with them. When did we lose the desire to be truly connected with other people, to support them and be supported by them?

I’ve heard this a lot: “I’ll be ready for a relationship with someone once I have my career established and I’m successful.” Why wait to share a life with someone after that life has already been lived? I’m not saying that we should all get hitched once we graduate high school, but the beauty of it all is in the hardships, it’s in the highs and lows. If life is a struggle, wouldn’t it be nice to know that someone has our back? It is precisely the fact that our lives are fated to end that the wonder of every breath is as awesome as it is. To deny ourselves the joy of companionship, be it romantic, friendly, or familial, is to deny ourselves one of the universe’s greatest gifts… the ability to reminisce about our adventures with someone who went through those same experiences with us. I once heard that a six-pack shared between six friends is much more enjoyable than drinking a six-pack alone.

Have you ever heard the saying: “Once bitten, twice shy?” Personally, I think it’s a clever excuse to let fear keep us from the good things we have now. I’ve felt that way in the past, and not just regarding broken hearts. Cycling, for instance, has been a deep passion of mine. I became a master bicycle technician, made wrenching a career, and have logged thousands of miles of distance on my bikes, but spent the last two years terrified to ride due to an accident that left me with permanent wounds (both physical and mental). No one would fault me for hanging up the bike for good, but the feeling I get from riding is too powerful to let the fear of past accidents keep me from enjoying the wind in my hair. How many of us have let the fear of failed romances keep us from experiencing what could be true love and a relationship that grants all our wildest dreams? I know I have, I’m not saying I’m clairvoyant, but I do know I’ve let good women go because of my own hang ups. Yet, even those failed romances have been positive steps on my path to living this life. They have allowed me to learn not just about myself, but also about what I value in the relationships I am in. If you’ve lost the love of a remarkable person, then just think how great the next person will be (and how much insight you will have regarding how to foster that love’s flame).

It is terrifying to be truly vulnerable with anyone, especially someone whose thoughts and feelings are so significant to our emotional wellbeing. Just look at how the culture of love has evolved; from mutual respect and a desire for an emotional connection, to physical release and superficial adoration. The gravity of our sexual connections has become as weightless as an astronaut floating in free space. Make a promise to be vulnerable, though, because if someone greets our vulnerability with scorn are they really worth our time? Nothing develops a thick skin like an open heart. We may get battered and bruised, but we will find that person who takes our heart and holds it as gently as they hold their own. To have someone who transcends both friend and lover, and yet becomes the best of both is a wonderful thing. Believe me, both men and women like to be the object of affection. It feels good to hear a loved one say that they miss the warmth of our embrace, that they want to be with us at night, and that they love us.

I see a world full of doubt, anger, and mistrust, but I also see a world of love, compassion, and honesty. We can’t have one world without the other, but that doesn’t mean we should treat both worlds equally. Try this: the next time you see a stranger, give them a genuine smile and compliment. Yes, it will make their day, but it will also fill you with a kind of happiness that only acts of kindness can provide. If you see someone with beautiful eyes, tell them that they have beautiful eyes. When you’re sitting on the couch with your significant other, after years of being with them, snuggle up to them and just relax. Strong connections are built on a foundation of comfort, trust, and respect. We should not let near-death experiences, or broken hearts guide our actions; instead, we should learn from the past and fearlessly embrace the myriad opportunities that await us in the future.

The culture of love reflects the ideals and actions of the greater culture at hand. Is love a quest for objectification, of both women and men? Is the culture of love a looking glass into our desires for instant gratification? The answers to those questions depends on how narrow one’s view of love’s landscape is. Yes, it seems that instant gratification and sexual objectivity is the culture’s status-quo, but dig a little deeper and we will find a world of people who are welcoming of whatever life hands them. We will meet people who actively seek their “soul-mate,” and others who ride the river of life enjoying the companionship of everyone they meet. Love comes in all forms, and is never an ugly thing. No one should be marginalized or feel ostracized for who they love, be it a man loving a man, a woman loving a woman, or a man loving a woman. Love can help us uncover a vast wealth of personal understanding, but only if we are willing to let go of our egos and submit to the promise of better things.