Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater

How many of you have been cheated on? OK. Keep your hands raised.

Now, how many of you have been a cheater? Alright. Keep your hands raised!

Lastly, how many of you have been a cheated and been the cheater? Mmmk. Keep your hands raised too.

All of you reading this probably raised your hand at least once or the title of this story wouldn’t have caught your attention. So let’s begin.

First, I want to say I’m sorry. Whether you were cheated on or you cheated, it sucks. Both sides do. I know this because I have been there!

I have always believed that once you are a cheater, you are always a cheater and I’m writing these words today to hopefully shine light on that myth. Since I was introduced into the “dating scene” I believed that once someone cheated they always would. Partly because that’s what everyone told me and also because I had never cheated on anyone before.

That recently changed.

I remember growing up, feeling completely heart broken and insecure after a boyfriend cheated on me. Whether it was because of long distance, because I wouldn’t sleep with him, because another girl heightened his interest more than I did; despite the reason, I always found myself thinking “this is normal.” Being cheated on became a normalcy and I expected it. That is until I met my first love (I’ll save the details of our sappy, fairy tale love story for another day).

Fast forward to year 24. After experiencing both heartache and endless amounts of love and joy in a relationship, I made the biggest mistake life-to-date. I mentally and physically cheated on my boyfriend.

My actions didn’t line up with my heart. My heart was feeling and saying “I love him and I want to be with you,” but my actions were betraying our relationship and destroying his heart while leading someone else on. Although, I knew my actions were “harmless” in the sense that the way I acted towards the “outsider” didn’t mean anything, I was practically blind to what I was actually doing. It took me getting caught to realize it all. It was in that moment, I experienced the worst heart break—worse than being cheated on.

That sounds crazy and twisted, but I can say that because I have been through it all. I have had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend; another one cheated on me because of long distance and I was cheated on because I wouldn’t give up my V-Card for him...and through all of that heartbreak, me breaking someone else’s heart hurt 10x more.

People closest to me, asked: “Why!? Why did you cheat?” And I couldn’t answer them for a long time.

It’s taken a lot of time and self-reflection to answer their question. In the beginning, I don’t think I could because I didn’t want to believe what I had done. I have accepted it now and am moving on, which allowed me to gain a clear understanding of my “why.”

People cheat because there’s something lacking in the relationship and they’re scared talk about it or unwilling to talk about it. In my situation, I think I was scared to talk about it because I was scared the conversation would lead to us splitting apart. I didn’t want that, so I subconsciously found ways to try and fill a void in our relationship by seeking outside attention.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the case 100% of the time. Some people really do whatever the fuck they want and don’t care about the people they hurt. Those are the bad apples that created the myth: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

People who cheat, cheat for different reasons, but sometimes it is purely a mistake—a lapse is judgment/a weak moment—that can be learned from.

I know it is hard for people who have never cheated on someone they truly love to understand, but try to understand this:

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you won’t ever hurt them and just because you make a mistake and hurt them, doesn’t mean that if you give them a second chance they will hurt you again. You can cheat once, learn from your mistake and never cheat again. I am walking proof that the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is a myth.

So let me give you some advice whether you’ve been on one side or the other.

• No matter what, follow your gut. If there’s something lacking in the relationship and you find yourself trying to seek outside attention with something or someone other than the person that you’re in a relationship with, man up to talk about it. At the end of the day your relationship may end (if it isn’t meant to be) but you two will be happier in the long run because of it (or it could strengthen it and you guys could be grow closer).
• If your gut feeling is telling you that your significant other is cheating on you, man up and talk to them then about it without accusing them immediately (Starting to see a trend here?? Communication is key). Not everyone will be truthful but you have to trust that the truth will come out eventually.
• If you have been in a relationship where you were cheated on, do not step into another relationship until you have healed 100 percent and you know you can trust people. You cannot expect everybody to be like that guy or the girl that cheated on you and the next person doesn’t deserve your lack of trust. Just because your heart was broken once or twice or even three times doesn’t mean that it always will be broken.
• If you cheated on someone don’t step into a relationship unless you know that you can be faithful and you’re willing to communicate things that might be tough.
• Above all, for anyone who raised their hand in the beginning of reading this, it’s important that both sides of the party forgive themselves. Forgive yourself for trusting somebody that hurt you; forgive yourself for hurting somebody you cared about; forgive the other person for hurting you; forgive the other person for walking away and not giving you a second chance. Forgiving the other person involved does not let them off the hook, it lets you off the hook.

At the end of the day, cheating is wrong, but we all do wrong sometimes, it’s inevitable. Those moments do not define who someone is, who someone will be or who they are meant to be.