Once a Cheater, Not Always a Cheater

Calvin and I had been dating for a year and a half. We were pretty solid. As solid as an 18 and 20 year old can be, at least. I was about to go off to college four hours away and he was staying put. We thought we were ready to take on the distance. A month before I was to leave, he got cold feet. He broke it off and broke my heart. I was sure he was the one and I was devastated. I had lost touch with my high school friends before I even graduated. I knew I was moving off, so I didn’t see the point in counting to try to fit in with them.

After the break up, I was so desperate for a friend. I reached out to a girl, Jenna, who shared mutual friends and asked if she wanted to hang. I felt so awkward reaching out to someone, but I was so broken and in need of girl talk. She and I had a lot of fun. It was crazy how much we had in common and we were both healing from a recent break up! Nothing unites two girls faster than a broken heart. I spilled my soul to her and we were pretty inseparable.

I moved off to college, but we stayed in touch. Whenever I came home, she and I were together. Whenever I felt like texting or drunk dialing, Cal she was the one who talked me out of it. For a couple months, I finally felt what it was like to have a true girl best friend. My parents loved her. They could see she was a great distraction. She was becoming one of our family, which felt crazy because we had only known each other three months.

Thanksgiving break began and Cal knew I was back in town. We started talking and one thing led to another. Cal asked me to hang out. I couldn’t say no, because young love is strong. I convinced Cal to bring a friend for Jenna. It was Saturday night in a small Texas town. The cab of the truck smelled like Smirnoff and hormones. Jenna and I were typical obnoxious drunk girls. We laughed and danced the night away. Cal and I were having fun, but my resentment started to bubble up. He had hurt me and I was still in pain. We began to bicker. I was beginning to get annoyed by everything he did. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop the avalanche of feelings once they got going.

By the end of the night, we were full on screaming at each other. I shoved him away when he tried to help me in the truck and he called me a bitch. It was alcohol-infused anger that wasn’t healthy for anyone. We were kidding ourselves thinking we could just snap back into a good time without addressing the issue. Jenna told me to cool it, like any good friend would, but I was long past that point. I had committed to the crazy, so there was no turning back. I called her a name or two and said to stay out of it. I knew she was hurt and I knew I was in the wrong, but I was drunk and pissed.

The night ended with them dropping me off and I slept it all off. The next day I was in a fog. I had a bad headache and an even worse hangover. I texted Jenna, but she didn’t answer. I tried calling Cal, but he was super short. I assumed he was busy. I hadn’t fully registered everything that happened the night before until I went through my phone's pictures. It came rushing back and my face grew hot with embarrassment. I tried calling Jenna, but she wouldn’t pick up. I sent her a long text apologizing for my terrible behavior. I also apologized to Cal. He was distant and I felt awful. Jenna refused to speak to me for a couple weeks. It felt like a break up all over again. Cal was talking to me, but I could feel the distance. I felt like that one night had ruined everything.

I waited for Jenna to come around. I knew I was mean and called her some things I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t think those actions warranted cutting me out of her life completely. She wouldn’t budge, so I was left trying to piece my heart back together. A best friend break up is just as painful and maybe even a little deeper. I had to return to school for finals and it was so hard. I had two weeks left in the semester, but I couldn’t study or even function. I was obsessed with trying to work things out with Jenna. She wouldn’t return my text or calls. To make matters worse, Cal was like a zombie. I kept apologizing, but he didn’t seem to care. I begged my professor to let me take one of my finals early, so I could head back home a day earlier.

I decided to surprised Cal by coming home early. I drove late into the night. I didn’t get to his house until after midnight. He was asleep and very shocked to see me. I slept over and he woke up early the next morning for work. I woke up alone and something felt strange. The air was still and so heavy. I had this weird feeling that something just wasn’t right. I’m not a jealous obsessive girlfriend, but in the moment I had the urge to snoop. It was more than an urge; it was like a need. I looked through his nightstand, nothing. Dig around his closet, nada. Then I found a pair of pants in his hamper. They were his nice jeans, for special occasions. I knew he hadn’t done much all week. We talked here and there. I picked them up, they smelled like the nice cologne I had bought him last Christmas. My stomach started to tighten. I reached into the front pocket. I felt something crunche up. My mind begged it to not be a condom. I gently pulled it from the denim and sighed of relief at the realization of it just being a receipt. I quickly glanced at it and tossed it. But wait. Something on it caught my attention. I picked it back up. It was a recent for a bowling ally, the bowling ally that Cal has taken me to on our first date. We hadn’t been back since. How odd. I checked the date and it was the night before.

My heart sank. I knew instantly. All the dots connected and I was left wishing I was still blissfully ignorant. I knew why Jenna was avoiding me. I knew why Cal was being so short. He was with her last night. I wanted to cry, scream, and run away all at once. I ran to my car and started driving. I don’t know where I was going, because I was way to busy picturing Jenna with Cal at our bowling ally, him helping her bowl. Laughing and talking together. Her helping her into his truck. Him driving her home. Walking her to her door. Leaning in for a ki... ugh!

I couldn’t keep thinking these thoughts. Suddenly I realize I’m driving and I’m pulling into Cal’s work. He saw my car come racing into the parking lot and he knew I knew. He didn’t say a word. He just smirked. The smirk that a guy who knows he has been caught knows all too well, the one that stings more than any word could. He finally asked me how I found out. I told him about the receipt and he called me crazy. He said he was planning to break it off once I got into town. He couldn’t break up with me over text. How fucking chivalrous. I asked him how long and he says she messaged him a couple days after the big fight. I was surprised at his honesty, but it didn’t make his actions any better. I was so hurt. You can imagine that Christmas break was very hard. I ignored and avoided Cal and Jenna at all cost. Somehow, my tiny town shrunk even smaller. It became impossible to not see or hear about them. I blocked him on every social media platform and would only peek at his profile against my better judgment at 2 AM on a hard night. One night I saw some gushy WCW post on his wall about Jenna. I couldn’t hold back. I made a loooong comment about how shitty he was and how much of a backstabbing bitch she was. It was hateful and petty, but I was so proud. I decided at that moment to forget my feelings. I moved on, went back to school, and decided to throw myself into college.

Fast forward to spring break. I was back in my small town helping my mom out at her office. As much as I wanted to be at PCB with my college friends, family came first. One afternoon, I went to get lunch for my mom and guess who I ran into. Cal was in line in front of me. I didn’t let myself feel those old feelings. The initial sting of surprisingly seeing him was sharp, but I forced all that back. He said hi and I nodded. It was a quick interaction, but it planted a seed. That night, the stalker came out. I unblocked his profile to prowl through his Facebook. I quickly noticed that it had been a couple months since anything had been shared about Jenna. His status said single. I am a little ashamed to admit how happy this made me feel. Cal must have felt the same thing when he saw me, because he messaged me a couple days later. I reluctantly responded. I know at this point you’re probably judging me, and trust me I was judging myself at the time. We talked and talked and talked. We spoke about the hard stuff and the painful things. We took things slow... so slow. My parents weren’t thrilled, but I was an adult..ish.

By the middle of summer, he and I were pretty serious. I really don’t know how, but I forgave him. My heart started to feel what it did before I went off to school. I was falling for Calvin again. He was falling for me. It so corny and probably eye roll worthy, but I felt like the fight and drama had someone brought us closer. Do I sound like a stupid young girl? It worked out for the best because five years later here we are, married and with a perfect little man. That was the roughest patch of our lives and we honestly laugh about it all now. My husband is faithful and loving. It wouldn’t be fair of me to crucify him for a stupid immature mistake that was so much smaller than the life we have built. I know the "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying, but in our case it really hasn’t rung true. I’m not saying this as a naive stupid girl. I’m saying it as a trusting wife who knows that my husband would never do anything to jeopardize our love or his family. I’m not saying that every similar situation will turn out this great, but mine did and I am 100 percent happy with being the exception.