One Question That Will Help You Build a Relationship

One thing I think we can all agree on is that relationships are hard. Whether you are building a friendship from the ground up, trying to get to know a partner on a deeper level, or reconnecting with someone after an extended separation, it is difficult to overcome the awkwardness.

What should I ask? How personal is too personal? How do I keep this from seeming too heavy?

In college, my friends and I came up with one question that helped us get to know the people around us quickly and unobtrusively.

"What does your trust house look like?"

When you ask someone this question, they'll most likely look at you a little bit strangely, but they will also be intrigued. The majority of people have never heard of a trust house.

The idea behind a trust house is to describe the architecture of a dwelling that correlates to your willingness to trust others. Some examples:

Me: My trust house is a mansion with a sprawling lawn. There's no locks on the doors and no fence around the yard. It's a glass house with huge panoramic windows and full of people congregated in one single open room. There's space for everyone and all are welcome. Most people who join the party stick around. The ones who leave do so by choice.

Friend 1: Her trust house is more of a tower. It has a yard with a gate, but it's easily climbed over. The tower is multiple stories tall with a singular locked room on each level. There are fewer and fewer people the higher you climb. Not many people leave the house completely, but when there is significant mobility, upward or downward, between the tiers.

Friend 2: This one is less of a house and more of a fortress. Think about an old school castle with high stone walls and a drawbridge and moat. It's fortified at every term and requires a concerted effort to gain access; no one wanders in by accident. There are bouncers at the doors and plenty of people get tossed out.

We started asking everyone who got close to our group of friends to tell us how they built their trust house. I still use this analogy to this day.

Why is this helpful?

Surprisingly, people have always seemed to be pretty receptive to the question of trust houses. The majority engage enthusiastically. Here's why I think it is a beneficial exercise:

• It's almost like a game. There have been times when I've engaged in this exercise in a group and it can truly be fun. Each person who shared became more elaborate in their description. Using creativity and visualization adds a fun aspect to sharing something deeply personal.
• It's open ended. If someone were to ask me if I considered myself a trusting person, I'd say yes. But that doesn't fully illustrate the breadth and depth that my trust runs. Instead, using this analogy allows people to paint a more vivid picture, really allowing you to see a person in detail beyond a yes or no question.
• No two are alike. Every single person I have ever shared this with has answered differently. We are all individuals and our respective houses reflect that.
• It creates a foundation for more. When someone describes their trust house, it provides a basis for even deeper exploration and follow-up questions about why their house is built the way it is. It's a way to facilitate sharing with a purpose.

The first time you use this it may be awkward. I recommend taking some time first to consider the architecture of your own trust house and be willing to share it first.

What does YOUR trust house look like?