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One Step at a Time

09/2018

By Diary of a Porn Addicts PartnerPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Though this whole process has been long and hard, I finally hit my breaking point a few days ago. We had an argument about whether or not the amount of progress he has made so far is acceptable. His argument was that the recovery process is harder than I think it is. My rebuttal was that he is being handed resources from all over the place to use towards his recovery. They've literally been laid out on a silver platter for him. He is the one who is deciding not to use them. After arguing about it for another 10 minutes or so, he finally said what he was thinking. "You chose to be with me. I'm sorry but it's the truth."

That just felt like a big "F*** you." I wanted so badly to make a good comeback to this. But instead, I just broke down and left. My heart broke because I knew I had to do something different this time. Everything I had tried in the past failed to make things better. On my way home, I gathered my thoughts. I decided that I would not be his excuse for not making sufficient progress. I love him dearly but if he thinks that me choosing to be with him gains him the right to be so reckless with the heart that I willingly gave to him, then I can choose not to be with him.

So I called him back and let him know that I would go ahead and pack my stuff and go stay at my family's for a few nights while he got his stuff packed and out of our home. I also asked him for his brother's number so I could call him and ask him to keep an eye on the man I love, and his little son. I want more than anything to be with him, but I can't do that if he is going to try to justify hurting me by telling me that it's my choice to be with him.

I was so scared that I would fall apart during that conversation, and not go through with it. But I finished up, got off the phone, and waited to have to pick him up in the evening.

The man I picked up seemed a little different. It was as if he wanted to act as nothing had happened. I went along with it for his son's sake. But then he came straight out and told me that he wanted to get a flip phone. This is a huge step as I've mentioned this before as a possible way to help his relapses happen less often. I was very pleasantly surprised. That night we came up with an action plan to get him back on the right track. This is not to say that it won't all fall apart again within the next week, but I am proud of him for taking this big step. I'm also proud of myself for putting my foot down and standing up for what's right. I believe if I would've reacted the same way I have before and told him that I love him and want to work on things, I would've felt like I was somehow hindering his recovery. I couldn't stand the idea of me being his excuse for not recovering from his addiction.

I also couldn't continue to let him say things that blatantly showed how worthless I was to him. I know I am worth enough to be missed when I'm gone. I'm also worthy of someone who is willing to put work into fixing the broken areas of our relationship. I know that deep down, this man is wonderful and wants to be good.

So here's to hoping that the future is brighter and that there will be light at the end of the tunnel!

marriage
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About the Creator

Diary of a Porn Addicts Partner

Hello there. My boyfriend is a porn addict going through the early stages of recovery. This is my journey...

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