Open Letter to the Man Who Left

Looking Back on it Now

Looking back on it now, I realize you weren't worth it. I have seen scarier monsters, braved worse storms, I have even dragged my legs through bloodier thorns. Nothing compared to the hurt I felt when you told me what you did. How does somebody cheat on someone they claim to love? How does somebody deny and ignore and shut out someone fighting for them tooth and nail? I'm anxious to know, is it because you were hurting too?

Looking back on it now, you didn't love me. You don't destroy the people you love. I don't know if I was good for your image; you were dating the model, the singer, the actress, the senior. I don't know if I was support from whatever trouble you were having at home, or an escape from the harsh reality, but I know you didn't love me. If you had, you would've respected me, cared for me, made me a priority. But no, that was always you, right?

Looking back on it now, I don't know if any of it was real. All those nights you told me you cared, all those nights I gave you my everything, was it all a game for you to play? I toss and turn in my sheets to this day, wrestling with myself, questioning if any word that spilled from those lips was true. You held my heart on a string and tugged at it whenever you needed me. I remember all those sleepless nights where I stayed with you. They are seared into my memory like a branding, your cries and my arms wrapped around you, calming the waves churning inside with my voice and my lips. Did anything I said help you in those hopeless moments?

Looking back on it now, I should've seen it coming. It's the classic story, broken girl meeting broken boy. The girl, stupidly, thinks she can fix him because its so goddamned painful to watch someone go through what she feels on a daily basis, and if she fixes him, he will fix her. It was unfair to believe you were anything different than all of the rest. You were in pain, I went through the worst times of your life with you, and I stood by your side. And when it was all said and done, and you were all pieced back together, I believed that it was my turn to be saved. But you had no intention of doing that, did you?

Looking back on it now, I was stupid for believing you were different. You may not have graced my skin with cuts or bruises, and you may not have torn me down at every step I took with words that hurt more than knives, but you did hurt me worst of all. Do you know why? Because I believed in you, because I trusted you, because I let you into my soul and you wreaked havoc on it. A soul that had already seen so much damage done. And when it came to the time where I needed your support, I needed your protection, you turned away from me. And that is my fault in the end, because I trusted you could change, I trusted you wouldn't hurt me. I focused so hard on what I wanted, I lost sight of what I deserved. How stupid was that?

Looking back on it now, I will never forgive you for what you did. I may have accepted the fact that you turned away and left me, but I will never forgive you, and I will never forget. You will not be able to fix us this time, I will not let you try. You had so many chances to let me in, to let me help you, but enough is enough. It is time I start building myself up with the love I once gave you. I am stronger than this, and stronger than you. You can block me, shut me out, and shove the world away, but nothing takes away from the fact that this is on you. And I'm sorry to be the one to say this, as it's hard for me to do, but you pushed them all away, and lost me, too.

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Open Letter to the Man Who Left