Operation: Get Dicked Down by Former High School Hottie

So, I’m four years post-high-school-graduation; I’m in my senior year of college sitting in some humanitarian-type-communication-studies-like class. I can’t remember the title of the class for shit, but I CAN REMEMBER that it was when I received a Snapchat from MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH THAT I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO BONE. We didn’t get a chance to get down n’ dirty during high school for various reasons. First, I was dating a different guy all of high school. Second, not sure if he knew who I was in high school? THEN, my high school sweetheart WENT OFF TO COLLEGE WITH said high-school-hottie that I never got the chance to bone but I DID GET the chance to admire him from afar when I went to go visit my boo thang during his freshman year of college.

OK, so he SNAPCHATS ME. “WHAT THE F COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE ABOUT?” I ask myself as my professor goes on and on about something that was probably important. Finally, I open the Snap and it goes as followed: “Guess who’ll be visiting Los Angeles in a month to get a new tattoo?” SMIRKY FACE EMOJI. OK, this is HOT FOR SO MANY REASONS. 1. He’s just visiting LA. Perfect excuse for a hot, quick hook up. 2. HE’S VISITING TO SEE A SPECIFIC TATTOO ARTIST TO GET TATTED. HOT. For the next month or so, we snapped and texted back and forth to let the heat build.

The day had FINALLY ARRIVED. One month of hot Snapchats back and forth and the day had finally arrived. The plan was for him to come over, we’d go grab a drink (or few?) at this new bar and then WHO KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. I knew. I knew I wanted that 6 foot 4 inched man IN MY BED. I played along and got dressed up to go out and “grab a drink.” I played coy when I answered the door LOOKING BOMB AS FUCK. He seemed nervous but whatever. How could this HUGE MUSCULAR MAN WITH LONG LUSCIOUS LOCKS be nervous? He’s, like, a Greek God.

We grabbed a glass of wine at the house and my roommates embarrassingly stare at him and repeatedly text me how hot he is. YEA, I KNOW GUYS, THAT’S WHY I’M TRYING TO LURE HIM TO MY LOVING BED. As my roomies interrogated him, I saw him down his wine and then refill his cup. Red flag, but whatever. I get you’re a HUGE man but slow down, I don’t need you getting Whiskey Dick on me later on.

I finally put an end to the interrogation and we head to the bar. Conversation is fine… he’s talking about his mom A LOT. I mean, not terrible. You’re a Momma’s Boy? That’s cute… kind of. Then he starts talking about his ex-girlfriend a lot… THEN MY EX BOYFRIEND. The one he went to college with. OK, now we are just talking about both of our exes… NOT HOT.

Five drinks later I suggest we go get food. Whiskey Dick scenario still PROMINENT in my mind. Trying to avoid that AT ALL COSTS. We are eating and he gets a text from his friend… We meet up with HIS friend at a bar and drink, like, a whole gallon of margaritas. I’m thinking, “DUDE YOU’RE A GINORMOUS MAN, STOP ORDERING ME DRINKS THINKING I CAN KEEP UP WITH YOU.” Probably, a foreshadowing that HE could not keep up.

So far, I’m not impressed at all by this date. THEN IT GETS WORSE WHEN WE GO BACK TO HIS FRIENDS “MUSIC STUDIO” TO LISTEN TO “SOME OF HIS NEW STUFF.” No thank you. We get there and I voluntarily raid this guy’s kitchen. I’m going to need a drink if I have to sit here and listen to your mixtape.

Finally, I’m over it. “I’m ready to go,” I say to my Greek God. Operation: Get Dicked Down by High School Hottie is in full force. We Uber home; we are in the bed. This is the moment we’ve ALL been waiting for. This is the moment that all the steamy snaps and text conversations have been leading up to.

It’s getting hot and heavy… kind of? I thought it’d be a good idea to kick things up a notch so I head down for a lil’ BJ action. Things are going fabulously and then… ALL OF A SUDDEN… OUT OF NOWHERE… WITHOUT ANY WARNING AT ALL, HE EJACULATES IN MY MOUTH. I would have loved some sort of warning. A tug of the hair, some sort of sound, a simple, “I’m going to cum” would have sufficed. But nope, I was completely blindsided. I thought, “OK, not ideal but also not the end of the world.” It was. It was the end of the world. After a QUICK and I mean quick trip to the bathroom, I come back ready to get it going again AND THIS MAN HAS THE AUDACITY TO BE ASLEEP IN MY BED. DEAD. ASS. ASLEEP.

Are you kidding me? You’re all good, so you’re just going to fall asleep? Not only did you SURPRISE me with your load in my mouth on the first date but YOU FELL ASLEEP AFTERWARDS? After a few unsuccessful tries to nudge this large man in order to wake him up, I decided to give up. The worst part of it all, maybe? I HAD TO SLEEP IN A QUEEN SIZED BED WITH THIS LARGE ASS MAN SLEEPING ALMOST DIAGONALLY. You bet I woke up at the crack of dawn, woke him up, and showed him the door. Thanks for nothing.

Later that day, I followed up with a text, “Thought we were supposed to have sex last night? What happened?”

I need answers.

#MyWorstDate