Out of Love

We built this life together and I think that's probably the reason why I held on for so long. When you've known a person you held so dear to you since you were teenager, it's hard to let go because you know that if you do, then you can't cry on his shoulder anymore, he can't be the person you call to break down to and the best parts of him no longer are yours.

Years. You built this relationship for years. It was your blood, sweat, and tears that built the foundation, that built the walls and cemented down the bricks. That was where you spent your hot summers and your toe-curling winters. He was home.

After going through so much, I came to the realisation that maybe there is love in the home we made, a different kind of love as our roof fell through because he refused to get the correct materials and now our house is filled with rain and damaged furniture. He made all the mistakes and threw in the towel but it was me that had to say I can't take this anymore. I wondered how someone that brought me so much happiness could also spread diseased sadness through me. If you love me so much how can you instigate fear through my veins? HOW?

We said goodbye many times. Many times. I always thought that we found our way back to one another for a reason. I thought so many people had left me. I lost best friends I had known for decades and I lost people that told me they'd be the forever no one else would be. They told me they'd never choose to leave like the others, and then they left. So I began to question why he never did. Almost eight years later and we're still in each others' lives somehow. I grew to know that he was never meant to be my partner but maybe we could at the very least have a friendship. All this love we created shouldn't be wasted.

So I tried to do it his way, we created a friendship. Yet he never treated me like his other friends. If I spoke out of turn he'd beat me down. If I gave an unwanted opinion, he'd shout at the top of his lungs to silence me. Any other friend that had an opinion or wanted to speak out of turn was granted their say and any time I wanted to address the issue he'd tell me, "Listen, we're not together anymore!" ...my mind would reply with a whispering 'That's not what I meant.'

I still gave him everything. I wore my heart on my sleeve for my friends. Anything he asked, it was his. Every favour was granted from my side. However, I found that as the months went on, anything I wanted resulted in a 'no.' The smallest thing would be rejected. I found myself wanting to call him and thinking, 'I wonder if he's going to upset me today.' All the pain from our relationship was over but I was still trapped. He released me into the world but the way we had become interlinked kept us locked in the same way.

As time went on, he became sourer. He lost all the shine that he used to have in his voice. We spoke less and less but every time we did, he would find a way to insult me or say something that made a tear fall from my eye. I kept searching for the one time he could make me smile... I think I still am. I kept messaging or calling, answering and responding but every exchange we had resulted in my sadness. Every single one. Does this mean that it's finally over?

I remember this day when he called and I had the best day prior. I felt like I was on top of the world, I laughed, giggled, and said every word as if it came with a beautiful shining light... But it was as if my happiness disgusted him. He poked and prodded until my smiles turned salty. I asked him, "How do you do it? You answered this phone call and heard how happy I was and it was you that destroyed it. Can't you hear the anger and frustration you created? Doesn't it hurt you to do this to me?" I had all these revelations but I continued to stay. I saw all the signs but I maintained the fragile friendship we had.

Today I had enough. I think I tried to salvage his sadness by compensating him with my happiness but instead of taking it in and absorbing it; he destroyed my happiness and infected me with his sadness. I decided I would no longer give him any more of me. He asked me if I hated him and I said, "No. It's not hate. I don't hate you but I don't love you. It's indifference. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing."

I was going to delete him. Remove him in order to stop his toxic atmosphere (I don't recommend this, if you need to then delete him) but then I thought, 'No. You can watch me grow. You can watch me blossom into this wonderful woman and I will. Watch my happiness. Watch me laugh and create music through my memories. Watch me live my life and know that you had nothing to do with it. Watch me graduate and throw my hat in the air knowing you won't be by my side. Watch every milestone that's coming my way become embedded in ultimate happiness and peace and know that I am better off without you. Watch others around me encourage my resilience and push my joy further. Watch me thrive because the cure is to stay away from you. I want to be in your face and completely untouchable because we will grow apart. Our goodbye was granted a long time ago and I finally accept it. We aren't friends. We are nothing but I... I will be everything.'