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I think all my life I haven't been deprived of love. I have, as a matter of fact, met plenty of people who've loved me for a while and introduced me to several facets of human emotions that I think I'm always going to cherish till my last breath. But I've failed so many times for real and have felt so much pain every time I let go of someone, that at some point of time I honestly began doubting my efficiency as a human being. I've doubted my capabilities and invariably assumed that something was severely wrong with me and me alone. And it is the worst thing you can do to yourself, I tell you. Because all my life, I haven't really wanted someone I can live with. In fact I wanted somebody I cannot live without. I never wanted anybody to just love me like everybody does. I wanted a little bit of madness. A bit of teenage craze even in my twenties. I have met people who had loved me, but not people who would give up on their dearest of things to be with me. Not people who couldn't survive without me. Somehow they all managed. And I learnt eventually.
Now you may wonder why I committed myself to something all over again despite knowing how things and people were like. Well I trusted the initial instincts. I lost my mind over the indomitable madness that followed every time someone fell in love with me. I almost thought this is how it is going to be my whole frigging life.I thought I'd see them fight for me for the rest of the days, like I'm a million dollar trophy. But then days go by, and so do months. Often years. It takes me a lot of time, patience, and endurance to actually get a grip of the fact that your love for someone, irrespective of the frenzy, is not going to be enough for keeping someone in your life for a lifetime and with the same damn vehemence. Things turn morbid quickly and my soul turns dry in thirst of lunacy.
Everyday I ask myself, "Why can't people love somebody with the same tonality as I do? Why can't people be just profoundly happy and thankful for the fact that they have found someone to love and someone who loves them back? Why can't people just obsess over it a little more and think of going an extra mile for that one person who has loved them so dearly and made their lives worthwhile? Why are extra ordinary things chopped down to ordinary with time? And if we are so okay with this trending nature, then why do we complain later on?"
Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are going to kill me. Sometimes I think may be I'm doing am extremely rebellious thing by investing so much of myself into some of the purest form of human emotions in this dynamic world where nothing is constant or consistent. May be I'll get my heart broken a few more times by raising my hopes high. May be the problem is hypocrisy. People have a tendency to lose interest in things too quickly. And your love alone can't change that. Sometimes I feel like ending it all. Running away and starting all over again. Then wisdom strikes me. My inner voice asks me one silent question in utter discretion.
"Is running away going to solve it? "
I think the best thing you can do is connect with something like music. Like it's your muse. In this dark world of fury and frenzy, you need something to constantly remind you of the fact that you're being heard, cared for and understood. Otherwise it is often a very destructive thing to give up on yourself. You have to find your place to be. You gotta leave people who don't give a flying fuck about you and move on with people who do. Simple.
Critics will criticize. Thinkers will analyze. But this is the only thing that makes sense in the long run. You cannot keep people sometimes, no matter how much it kills to let go. Your present lover might be history tomorrow. I've realized that it's important to believe in something powerful. And it's a matter of fortune to find people who'll be mad about you like you will be, for them. So leave your fears sometimes. Shed off some load. Hallucinate good times when you're lonely. Most importantly, stop chasing things and people.
Who knows? May be it is in the deep dark lands of agony and hopelessness, you will see a shadow approaching and your life will change for forever? And that's going to be your shadow forever. Maybe it is then after you have waited long enough when you will meet the real version of your dreams. You will get a kickass crazy lover! You do not have to suit yourself with the good one anymore. In fact, you will meet the one that’s good for you.
So hold on. Howl and scream as you burn. Because all of this will end someday.
Because you just HAVE TO meet the one who is going to make their company feel a thousand fold better than your solitude. You can’t settle for less!