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I think I love you.

Last summer I met a boy. On an app. I think I might love him.

After I had experienced some traumatic events, I went to stay with my friend from my sophomore year in high school. She lives in a one bedroom apartment with her husband. 

I needed to get away. I wanted to escape my new reality. I didn't want to deal with the pain. 

Once I arrived at her place and settled in, I saw that she was talking to a lot of guys. I eventually asked her how she's "meeting" these guys. She told me about an app that I eventually downloaded. A couple of days later I came across a guy. I liked all of the pictures on his profile. An undefiable amount of time passes and he messages me saying "So, you're going to like all my pictures and not say anything?" I respond with something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I like your face." We exchange Snapchats and my entire world changed from there.

When I downloaded the app to talk to guys I just wanted to mess around. Nothing serious. I had just ended an engagement with a guy I liked since sixth grade. I just wanted to have fun with people that wanted to have fun just like I did. I should have kept that in mind when I started wanting more than what I had.

A couple of days or weeks play along. Patrick, the guy I'm writing this story over, kept asking me to hang out and I would just blow him off. One night I agreed to meet up with him and some of his friends. I ended up standing him up. 

The next morning I posted on my Snapchat story a provocative picture with the caption saying "I'm sorry for standing you up last night" with his Snapchat name/nickname with a kissy face. He responded saying that, "you're bae as f***" and telling me that it was okay. Somehow he got me to agree for him to come pick me up, and we would chill. From the very beginning, he was a gentleman. Bear in mind that I've never had a guy be this way towards me.

Typing this is making me live it all over again and it's really hard. I'm only doing this to myself because I miss him.

Having a guy that barely knows me open and close my door for me took me a little by surprise. He was very caring. I think I was really surprised because my previous relationships were abusive.

I fell so hard for him. He has big green hazel eyes and pale skin. He's taller than me, so I loved looking into his eyes with the sun shining directly above us. He has a smile like no other. Lips so pink and soft it's ridiculous... If only. If only.

Months go by, and I hadn't told him that I started to develop feelings for him. I was too scared. Somehow eventually, I got the courage to tell him. I wrote him a message saying that I don't usually fall for guys like at all. (I've only have developed feelings for less than three guys my entire life, so feeling that way is rare for me.) He responded saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship, but if I kept messing with him and showing him the love I was showing him that I would be in his life for a long time.

My heart broke to what felt like a billion pieces. I was sad, angry, and confused. I didn't know why we couldn't be in a relationship, though I didn't necessarily want that. I think I just wanted him to want me the way I wanted him. From that point, I went downhill. I couldn't understand why he didn't want me. He just wanted to be intimate with me, and that made me feel like poop. But like I said, in the beginning, I wanted to have fun with people that wanted to have fun as I did.

A few months pass, and he came to my place to "chill" with me before he had to go back to college. We are laying down next to each other, and he asked me if he lost his chance to be in a relationship with me.

When he asked me that, I almost shut down. I was so angry that he would even ask me that. 

After I had confessed my love, I went crazy. I was trying to detach myself from him in all ways. Doing that made me think about him all the time. I was in a vicious battle with myself. It was horrible.

After a long silence, I told him that I didn't know because he was driving me crazy.

Jumping to the end of the year. I saw him posting on social media that he wanted a girlfriend. In my mind, I was screaming " ME!" We didn't end up in a relationship. I think it's a good thing for me. I haven't been in a very nice place in my life, and I'm still not, though I do wish sometimes for things to be different.

I think I might always love him and care about him. I'm going to have to come to terms with it, so I can hopefully move on from him. My only concern is that I think I'm going to look for him in every guy I talk to. Haha, maybe I'm just mental. Who knows? 

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