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Am I asexual or angsty?
I do not know. I wanted to make it clear from the start that reading this entry isn't going to be peering into the windows of the train ride of my mind, seeing how every experience was a turn that eventually led me to some perfect destination.
I'm a big believer in that we don't ever reach some destination, or an all knowing answer of who we are.
Okay, so you're angsty. You might be thinking. Well yeah, that's sort of a given, I'm current writing a journal entry about identities...I'd be a social anomaly if I didn't have a little bit of angst.
Angst is the fuel to right this thing. Why else would I care enough to write a 600+ word polemic against love culture if I didn't have some angst?!
For the cash? Okay true, that too.
But anyways, back onto the nonexistent train ride of my mind, I believe we can't ever truly "know who we are" because we base those things off of human constructs. We are cells. So never believe anyone who claims they know who they are! They are not better than me. Hell, they are not even better than you.
So, I am not a smart scientist in any way, shape, or form, but I can tell you that being made up entirely of cells means that we don't have callings. I mean, as humans we have callings to eat and sleep, I guess, but we don't have callings to pursue our dreams and move to NYC. Our cells don't know what NYC is!
We don't have callings towards people either. As much as you want to believe it because it makes you feel better about making the permanent (not really) decision to put a ring on it, it is true.
Soul mates just aren't real. Call me a bitch, cold, a fascist, or whatever else your deep-fried heart desires, but it won't change the fact that there are billions of people on this planet and it just wouldn't make sense if in your lifetime and the so few people you meet on your little journey through life, that you would run into another person whose cells were like, yeah, we like your grouping of cells and only yours.
So yeah, I use my unwarranted veto power to forever discard the phrase "soul mate." Hm, this is fun, what else can I veto?!
Okay no, I am not going to veto "love" because to me, this is personal and individual. There is no universal meaning for it, so I have no right to eradicate a word that has over 7 billion meanings.
But for me, and me personally (this is the important part), I don't think love is of my social vocabulary.
I've always been told by white people on TV that if I loved someone, I would know. That there would be some cosmic difference between a feeling of "you cool" and "heart eyes."
And from my wise, vast 18 years on my mother earth, I think I can make the assumption that I won't ever have that magical, widely talked about feeling of heart eyes, in which the hearts just entirely consume me until I evolve from the heart eyes emoji to just a big, juicy, red heart emoji.
(You can tell I'm a millennial because I allude to my emotions through pixelated images #emojisarequeen.)
And I'm sure that there's at least one romantic idealist reading this, thinking, Hon, you are still young! Give it time and wait for untimed love to sweep you off your feet and change your life for the better!"
And while I'm super flattered that you send me your best wishes in meeting the magical powers of codependence, I just have to admit that I'm not interested.
Lusting for love has never been on my agenda, and I used to think it was because I'm just a badass feminist on that grind *insert 100 emoji* but lately, I've been thinking it's just because I'm ace. As in asexual/aromantic.
Okay now listen, I hate pulling the whole, "I'm not like most girls," card to validate my coolness, so instead I'm going to use the phrase "I've always felt a difference to my gender's expectations of love."
So...I've always felt a difference to my gender's expectations of love. Growing up, I have had grade school crushes, but it was more like fan admiration, or simply appreciation for a person.
Thinking someone was too cool to talk to was something that my friends characterized for me as a crush, but I'm not too sure it was. I'm intimidated by lots of people of any gender that certainly don't stem from sexual or romantic interest. It's just because I'm an awkward soul who has an inferiority complex!
And because friends would tell me that I had a crush on someone, I felt it my duty to view that person as a crush, even though I objectively never wanted to date them or do anything with them.
Is it impossible to just appreciate someone's qualities in an obsessive manner without wanting to interact with them?!
To use a questionable metaphor, I'll compare my so-called "crushes" to a hamburger (it is now important to note that I eat plants only). Let's say I thought someone was funny and wildly attractive and nice. And I thought they would be an excellent partner. That does not mean that I want them to be my partner, per se.
So while a burger may smell really good, and be very aesthetically pleasing, and I assume it would taste good, that doesn't mean I am interested in eating it. I don't like the taste of any meat and never feel compelled to eat it.
Comparing sex to food is a really cliched metaphor, I know, but I am referring to dating and love as an entire realm. I have no interest in it.
You never know until you try! Okay, well do you have a desire to eat paper? If so, that's incredible, and if not, then you can understand why I don't have a desire to continue trying.
Okay, so then I guess question answered, you are ace. Okay, but maybe not. Maybe I feel like I'm ace because all the romantic interactions I've observed in real life, first hand, second hand, through TV, etc, I find repulsive.
And I thought my feelings of that would go away after puberty, because maybe I just needed a kick of hormones to appreciate American love, but turns out, menstruating and getting boobs were not the answer.
I realized I just hate the idea of how we use others to validate ourselves. For example, if you watch The Bachelor, you'll hear a lot of "I came here because I felt like a part of me was missing" or "____ happened to me, and I want to feel whole again."
To quote Eli from To the Bone, "People say that they love you but what they really mean is that they love how you make them feel about themselves."
And it's true! One of my friends was constantly saying she needed a boyfriend as academic motivation (yeah, made no sense to me either). Another said she will start working out once she starts dating.
And I find myself in this internal feminist debate where I'm thinking, do I support my friends and whatever bull crap they are spouting and say "you do you," or do I try to force feed them my belief that other people shouldn't have an influence on how you treat yourself?
Anyways, I feel like a lot of the time, people want to latch onto (or leech onto) another person because they want to please themselves, or please that person, or please other people spectating through their social media binoculars.
And while I certainly am not 100% confident with myself, I guess I just don't think being with another person in a loving way is going to change how I feel about myself.
And I know this because just being around another person is extremely draining to me. It's a little bit selfish, but I can't help that the feeling of social compromise is just useless to me.
To quote Amy Dunne from Gone Girl, "Marriage takes hard work." And that applies to every relationship. I understand the merit in hard work in order to be successful and achieve your goals, but I've never understood the point in not doing 100% what you want to do all the time just to partially please someone else.
And that is what my takeaway is from modern relationships. That you do some of the stuff you want to do, to allow the other person to do some of the stuff they want to do, and somehow cutting yourself in half and morphing it with that half of the other person gives you some cosmic happiness.
What pleasure would I have gotten from pursuing my grade school crush? Would that person have been any more attractive if I saw their face more often? Any funnier as a partner than just a friend? Any more of a smile to my face? I don't think so.
To me, that idea has always been weird and not something I desired or felt like would even work for me. I feel most like myself and happiest when I'm by myself.
So angsty or ace, you tell me. Either way, I'm just doing my thang. Eating plants and such.