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Did it hurt when I broke your heart? Did you feel as I felt when I knew I was doing the breaking? Or did you feel as I did when he broke my heart?
Do you know, as I do, that even though broken, your heart would still do anything, anything asked of its lover? Do you know this wave of laughable desperation, after discovering the truth?
I always wonder if you found the same welcome in me as I did in him. The way I look into the deep green of a forest, and how it feels as though it tugs at my soul. Telling me, begging me, to trust its intentions, trust this feeling, for “you won’t get hurt. I don’t want to leave you. At least, not right now.”
Did you know, as I do now?
How I can look out the window, or at his face, only to find a home that I knew was mine. My own backyard, filled with greens, oceans, skies, and him. All of them, telling me to let my guard down, that I am safe, that this is enough and I can trust its permanent presence.
The moment you look away, still trusting it will be there.
Do you know, as I do, what it feels like to look back and only see how everything has been enveloped in fog?
Did I cause the fog over your backyard, as he did mine?
Do you miss me, as I do him? How I long for the warm laughter I had persuaded from his throat, to his tongue, to his lips. The same lips that kissed me, loved me, in the way I willed them to.
Do you miss my laughter, my lips?
When you fall asleep, do you dream of me as I dream of you? Or do you dream of me, as I do of him?
Do you you dream of the day that we might be reunited? Do you dream of being back together in each others arms, enjoying the forests of our backyard? The way I dream of him?
Or do you fear the inevitable encounter? Where we pretend to be strangers, surrounded by a fog so thick, that same comfort, the tug on your soul, you once saw within the trees, within me, is no longer there. The way I fear with him?
How do you know how to stay happy?
Are you happy? I hope you are.
Are you lacking me, as I lack him?
Suffering a constant aching, a piece missing, no matter how happy you become, there is a small shard of your heart, still out there, in that forest you can no longer reach, that comfortness that you can’t quite grasp...
Or, are you okay with your small piece missing? Do you live, hoping that I find someone who makes me happy, as I fear he hopes for me. Do you understand our separation, as I do? Or do you fear my moving on without you, without the piece of me that once fit into my heart, still in yours.
Do you know this pain as I do? Do you feel the constant inability to know, know whether I still desire you, or left that desire in the cloud that blocks our backyard?
I know I do.
I feel incapable, unable to discover for sure, whether or not he still feels for me as I do him. Whether he ever felt the same as I did. I know that I caused the fog over your backyard. I know that the desire I left in the cloud was done purposefully. I know that I took away your comfortness, and I was the one who said to you, “You won’t get hurt.”
I fear, that he did the same.
Do you fear what I do?
I love you.
Do you love me?
Do you love me as I do you? Or do you yearn for me, the same way I yearn for him?
Does it hurt you like it hurts me?