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Planting Seeds

Watching Them Grow

By Jax RavenPublished 5 years ago 8 min read
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When you start a new chapter, an adventure, the next significant stage of your life, you start to notice an awful lot. Not only about yourself, but your world in general. Recently I left my partner of 12 years. This was not a decision I made lightly, in fact it was more of a line in the sand, an end of an era, I had given all I had to give and the realisation of this descended upon me like summers rain.

The epiphany of this was sudden and real but the process slow & gradual. We all want love in all its forms. To give it, receive it, create, and be surrounded by it. That’s a fact and one rarely remembered in this world. To cling on to what once was is draining, one sided and just not cricket. Don’t miss understand me, nothing comes easy and to reap the benefits hard work needs to be put in, but there’s a fine line between that and fighting a losing battle.

My 12 years was not all doom and gloom, far from it in fact. Happiness thrived here once. It was in abundance and created great things and memories I'll always cherish. Things progressed and a family was made. Could things get any better?

No. When you’re at the top there’s only one place to go. When the gradient is only slight over endless time you don’t even perceive the fall from grace. My world of happiness and opportunity had had the colour drained out of it. I was trying to paint by numbers when all I had was a grey scale printer. My children were flashes of light. Constant reminders of what once was and what could be. Walking, talking pallets of colour in what was fast becoming a silent 1950s movie.

Feeling alone when you’re constantly surrounded by people is never a good thing. Feeling like your world is shrinking by the day is unnerving. Trying your hardest to mend something you know deep down is broken is exhausting, both mentally & physically. When the person you would turn to for comfort and strength is causing all of the above, what are you meant to do? There’s no guidebook to this, no rules and regulations to fall back on. It's life unfortunately but when the life you worked so hard for is literally crumbling around you, its OK not to be OK. What’s not OK is to not ask for help.

Now you can ask for help in many different ways. I was fortunate to have a good support network round me without even realising. When I had found out my partner, found safety in someone else, it knocked me hard, it launched me down the start of a very slippery slope. I was teetering on the edge of my mental & physical health. (Functional alcoholics is very much a thing people.) Acting out or behavior that is not your norm, believe it or not, is asking for help when you’re surrounded by the right people. You have to want it when its offered. It takes time, patience, and a burning desire to turn things round but you can do it. You need to want to do it for yourself as after all, the only thing we truly have in this world is ourselves.

As I found myself gravitating to the light at the end of the tunnel I found myself having gentle and more frequent nudges in the right direction. Everything happens for a reason and the introduction of this nursing wonder was exactly what I needed at this point in my life. She really taught me so much in such little time. Having someone see & treat me in such a different light was intoxicating. The mental & physical connection was exhilarating. She built me up, and evolved me. For that I will always be grateful and forever in her debt. As I began to fall from my new found heights I very much appeared at a fork in the road in this journey of life.

To the left, everything I knew & wanted. Comfort, security ,& my family. Everyone deserves a second chance don’t they? To the right, the unknown and fresh beginnings. Danger, excitement, and uncertainty. For whatever reasons, I chose left. I committed to this and walked down it head strong. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but at the time it felt like the right thing to do. I don’t know, maybe the universe pointed me that way, remember everything happens for a reason.

It was nothing short of tough, as I knew it would be. Not just for me, but everyone involved. They say time's a healer but maybe not enough of it had gone by. I was there and I was trying, there’s nothing more you can do. Seeing the hurt in her eyes I was causing because things weren’t quite the way they once were, tore me up in side but thinking about it; how could she expect anything else? Gradually we took steps, together we walked through all the difficulties we had. Things got better, steadily growing into everything I’d nearly had before.

Looking back, we never fully recovered. Did we drag the inevitable out? Could we of tried harder? Would it of made a difference anyway? Who knows and right now I don’t even care. I know I gave it my all. I gave her my all. What I slowly started to come to terms with was I was getting nothing back. Nada. Zilch.

When a relationship becomes anything else other than 50/50, it's by default no longer a relationship. It's one person giving their all while the other takes. Takes advantage, takes you for granted and takes your very essence bit by bit by bit by bit...

When things get strained and stressed enough they will break. It's simple physics; every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Give negativity and you will at some point receive it. I took all I could take. The toxicity was too much; I had to put myself first. Making yourself a priority when you’ve never really thought about yourself is all kinds of cray. I can't even begin to describe it but what I will say is this. It is not selfish!

I mean what’s the alternative? You bury your head in the sand and lose yourself? You plod on and every day your very soul dilutes into nothing? You lose your fucking mind? No, no, & no. One day they’ll push you too far. They’ll back you into a corner and your survival instincts will just take over, only you’ve spent what feels like an eternity fighting so you fly.

Obviously at first it's more of a frenzied flap. A run, skip, and a jump. But then you compose yourself, you take a deep breath, and you do you. You do you until you start to become you again. You’re actually flying. You have your ups and downs of course, those slight wobbles but the universe will point you in the right direction. Just have a little faith.

Things haven’t been easy, nor will they be any time soon. I miss my kids, and it hurts to cause so much pain to someone I once held so dear. Balancing being there for her whilst not pushing the process is draining. It's for the greater good, I just prey one day she sees it. But as one door closes another opens.

Often we don’t see what’s right in front of us. We’re all busy battling our demons that we don’t recognise the universe talking. And believe me when I say that, all you have to do is take notice; the more you look the more you will see. My pitcher was disguised for a long while, on the outskirts, undetected, silently making her presence known despite her own demons.

At first we were just linguists; conversing like people do but with substance and purpose. Even back then there was openness, honesty & boundaries. An unrealised connection grew. The blind mental link was reinforced by my physical attraction. Such an angel my pitcher was that night. A cape of khaki green with superhero boots, so humble and unaware of how beautiful she is, inside and out. As the time passed we became close without even realising. Then the night my world changed forever.

My pitcher put on her robe and took the plunge. What a hero. I still to this day cannot believe she perceives me the way she does (cue the eye rolls!) but I feel so blessed and privileged that she feels she can share both body & mind with me. It was electric, earth shattering and oh so natural. I could not, cannot, nor ever will be able to keep my hands to myself when I’m round her. The hours of conversation that followed whilst being transfixed by her natural beauty will stay with me forever. It has also set the tone for us.

I have never had anything like this. Everything’s effortless and natural. I'm transfixed by her every word, I lose myself in her eyes. I become a teenager round her when she’s chilling in just a tee, (Dammmm girl) I get butterflies every time I see her and go weak at the knees when she jumps into my arms. I'm both mentally and physically excited in her presence. The way she challenges my thoughts, shows me affection, and generally thinks about me in everything she does. It’s the polar opposite of what I have allowed myself to get used too.

I just can’t comprehend how all her pasts have let her slip through their fingers. This princess is destined for great things; she deserves the world and more. She’s fast becoming mine, and do you know what? I'm not scared; I’m excited. For the first time in as long as I can remember I’m actually excited for the future, my future. Our future.

Will it be easy? Probably not. Will it be worth it? Abso-fucking-lutely. If my pitcher can help pick me up, dust me off, and put me back together, then the least I can do is put on my cape every day for her. The paths we choose are never certain but you will be shown if you’re on the right track; and right now two paths are becoming one. Big dipper will always point us in the right direction, as will lady fate herself as she already has been. Just never forget two things; the more you look the more you will see...

And always remember, there’s always tomorrow.

From me to you,

Me xXx

breakups
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About the Creator

Jax Raven

32 years young, family man. Lover of words & food. Forever looking for the good in a world of grey.

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