Humans logo

Playing with Fire

She knew it was coming — the pain — and she still reached for the flames.

By C. ReyesPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
Like
Photo by Malo Espercieux 

He jabbed at every soft spot he knew she had. It was as if he enjoyed it. He could taste the victory on his lips, but he didn’t stop there. There was much more destroying to do.

Being in love with someone who has bipolar disorder is… well, let’s just say it’s never boring.

You constantly fight with yourself, one half of your heart telling you that it’s not really how he feels, the other half telling you it is and you’re ridiculously stupid for holding on.

Every word, every bruise, every scar; they all resonate even after countless “I’m sorry” and “I feel terrible.” You want so badly to believe that he truly does not mean what he says and does and pray it will never happen again… but it always happens again. And you still continue to put up with it. You put up with his conscious decision-making to either emotionally or physically hurt you. You know he can escalate to the point of pure destruction, and you still have the sad hope that things will change.

He knows you so well. He knows you’ll take the beatings because you’ve always let it slide. He knows you won’t leave because, well, you’re still fucking here. You think to yourself, “No one in his or her right mind would continue to put up with this kind of behavior. What on earth are you doing?” Your shoulder angels come out, forever confusing you even more.

Devil: He’s just angry. He’ll cool down and it’ll all be okay again. Remember?Angel: If he really cared, he wouldn’t lay a hand on you. He wouldn’t say those horrible things about you.Devil: He doesn’t mean it; he’s a good guy.Angel: Yes, but he’s also a bad guy. A really bad guy…Devil: Nah, you’re overreacting. Remember he has a condition. You can’t hold that against him. That’s wrong if you do! You love him, don’t you?Angel: When will enough be enough…?

Then you begin to think about how you may have caused his rage. Maybe you pushed him too far; it’s been known to happen. Maybe you had a little attitude; you can have a big one at times. Maybe it’s a big deal to him. Maybe you’re not taking his feelings into consideration. Is it your fault? Are you to blame for his aggression?

True, no one’s a slice of heaven 100 percent of the time. You can easily admit you can be a real pain. But no one deserves to be abused; verbally, emotionally, physically. No matter how angry you get, it’s never necessary. You snap out of your self-blame.

So what do you do? What should you do? What will you do? You’ve been in this place one time, many times, and it’s always more difficult than the last because you show even more that you’re willing to take the thrashing you should never receive. When will enough be enough? When will you start to be a priority? When will your well-being matter?

You are so concerned with his emotional and mental well-being, because having a psychological disorder trumps pretty much anything, right? Sure you could have a problem with something, but you don’t have an actual imbalance within you to cause it. But does that mean your emotional well-being is less important? Can you balance the significance of both yours and his, having equal amount of weight? These are things you question every time shit hits the fan, and still after three years you haven’t found the answer. But the funny thing is you’ve known the solution all this time. But what do you do? Look for another one; one that doesn’t involve parting ways. Why? Love is stupid and blind, and you think of yourself less so you can keep what means more to you. You wait it out and hope and pray that things will change; that he’ll realize you really don’t deserve any of it based on the simple fact that you’ve stuck by his side through it all. That he needs to change his ways and get help if he wants this to work…

You have a thousand reasons to let go; yet you solely keep in mind the few reasons to keep holding on. Why? Weren’t you the one who said that anyone is replaceable? Wasn’t it you who said you didn’t need anyone; that you can function just fine without him? Why, then? That’s a million dollar question. Love? Fear? Hope? When do these reasons lose their value? When do you find the reason in your value? Better question, actually, is when does he realize your value? You play with fire, and you don’t realize you’re the only one who gets burned.

love
Like

About the Creator

C. Reyes

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.