Plus Sized Love

I've never been a petite princess.. like ever! My mother blessed me with thick thighs, cakes, and pies as we like to call them. Ever since I started dating I can never say it's been easy. I guess I was always conscious about my body. But don't get me wrong that never stopped me from crushing on boys and being a little stalker in high school lol. When I had a crush on someone it was bad! I would track when they had certain classes so that I could walk past them in the hallway. I would find out who their friends were, asking them about them casually. But I would never say anything to the person, I admired from afar. I was always afraid, I thought I was pretty shy, but according to my friends, I was bold!

I was super insecure, all of the guys who were interested in me only wanted me on the down low. As if they were ashamed to say they were talking to me. One guy would only text me and see me after school. We would never speak in school, even though we had 3 classes together. It was as if I only existed to him outside of school. I never got asked to any school dances or on any group dates. I had a group of friends who would always go tell my crushes that I want interested because I was too afraid to. I would be so happy to get even the smallest amount from the opposite sex that I didn't even notice that it wasn't a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I noticed when it would happen. I noticed how I would only hear from them after school and the moment they found out that I wasn't going hook up with them, they'd be gone. Needless to say, that wasn't the best for my self-esteem.

It took years of bad boyfriends and secret hookups for me to realize that I deserved better. I didn't love and appreciate myself, so how could I expect someone else to? The truth was that I hated my body, my thick thighs, big butt, thick waist and everything else that came with me. I hated getting dressed and looking at myself in the mirror. I didn't want to go out and have fun with my friends, I was embarrassed. So I did the only thing I felt comfortable doing, I joined an online dating site.

Now back in the day, it was called Myyearbook, it was a place for people to meet and talk and get to know each other. Way less popular than Myspace which I also had but that was strictly used to stalk my high school crushes. When I was online I was a different person, I wasn't shy or afraid. I was flirty, fun, and confident. I was the version of myself that I wanted to be in reality. So I did the online dating thing for years, and I always felt the need to inform them that I was plus sized, as if it was some sort of disclaimer. It felt like I needed to tell them what they were in for, even though I had full pictures on my profiles and they could clearly see that. I felt the need to check and see if they were into plus sized girls and this carried on into adulthood. I just recently stopped asking because I realized it was stupid. Why should I feel any less worthy because I'm not skinny? Why do I feel like I have to hide my magnificent rolls, and lumps of my imperfectly perfect body? Like a man wouldn't want me because of it.

The crazy part was that I would get approached by men all the time. I would be given compliments every time I stepped out of my house. But they just went in one ear and out of the other. I never believed anyone when they said it. I would go on dates with men who treated me like a fetish. They only liked the idea of being someone like me but didn't really want it. I didn't want to only be fetishized for my body. I wanted to be loved and appreciated. So I entered a period of time where I did any and everything to be able to get that false sense of love that I wanted so badly. Now I knew It wasn't healthy but I couldn't help it. I became obsessive about finding people to care about me. I didn't care if it was just some stupid fantasy that they had. I wanted that feeling it gave me, the feeling of being wanted. I knew it wasn't real but I didn't care, I needed it. But it was only a temporary fix because I still felt alone. I was wrapped up in this never-ending cycle, until one day I woke up, looked in the mirror and I didn't know who I was. It was like I saw my reflection but I lost myself, I wasn't looking at Selena anymore. I took a deep breath, turned on the light for the first time in a long time and stood there and really looked at myself. At the dimples in my thighs, the curve of my hips, my chunky arms and every beautiful part of my being. I wanted to cry because I was so lost and I knew it. I was 24 years old and I couldn't believe I got so caught up in this idea that I needed to be accepted to be loved. I was so wrapped up in what I thought I needed to be, not who I was.

Years had passed of me living with this toxic mindset. Life was happening right in front of me but it was like I wasn't apart of it. I wasn't living, I was existing. I was a grown woman living like I was still that scared 17 year old in high school. I let people tell me who they thought I should be and I followed accordingly. I was so stupid and I knew that wasn't me. I wasn't enjoying dating and being free, I treated it like a job. I lost my glow, my passionate and vibrant personality was gone.

I would question when someone I thought was way too good looking or established took an interest in me. I thought to myself, they must be mistaken. Maybe they haven't seen all of my pictures or maybe they're just interested in sex. I didn't think I was good enough to even be an option for them. Like how sad is that? I seriously put myself at such a low standard based solely on how perceived myself. I know that how you see yourself isn't always how others view you. I had such a horrible view of myself that I expected others to have the same view. I was exhausted, both mentally and emotionally. I knew I needed to do something about it.

I started to take better care of myself, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I cut out all of the toxic people in my life, I couldn't allow negativity into my life anymore. I started working out, not to lose weight but to feel better, have the energy I needed. I started to read and occupied my mind so that my obsessive nature wouldn't take over. I put my energy into my work and becoming that online persona I hid behind in reality. I took more photos and spent more time getting to know other vibrant people like myself, I got my glow back. I dressed the way I wanted to and went out and had fun. I got into cooking and baking, learning how to live healthier. I instilled self-worth back into myself, something that had been missing for so long.

I started speaking to those people so I once deemed too good for me and soon realized that I was in fact too good for some of them. I stopped victimizing myself and started loving myself. I understood that I wasn't going to be everyone's cup of tea but could be so many's cups of morning coffee. Every day I tell myself that I am beautiful, sweet, kind, intelligent, and a full pound cake with the glaze and there's nothing wrong with that. Now I go on dates and mingle with those who I never thought would look my way. I judge based on personality and intellect not looks and build. If you take anything from this I want it to be, don't ever let society tell you what beauty is. Don't let a few people convince you that you aren't worthy. Please don't let this false sense of worth make you think that you need to be accepted to be loved by someone. You are the only one that matters!