Polyamory: An End to Extramarital Affairs?

What does a top player in the NFL, an executive for Coca-Cola, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s husband Jionni LaValle, Real Housewives of New York’s star Kristen Taekman’s husband Josh, and Josh Dugger have in common? Each one of these men are among the list of over 40,000,000 users that currently have an active Ashley Madison account.

Ashley Madison is a dating website geared toward married individuals and those in a committed relationship that are seeking to engage in an affair. Their slogan, “Life is short, have an affair,” appears on the front page of the website directly underneath their moniker, “Ashley Madison,” cleverly formatted with a wedding ring replacing the “o” in Madison.

The page itself looks enticing to the eye. There is a picture of a woman from the nose down, with her left index finger covering her lips as if she were telling you to keep a secret. A gold wedding band appears on her ring finger. This is as far as the website goes without creating an account with your name and email address. Once you do enter your name and email, there are six options to choose from that represents your current status: attached male seeking female, attached female seeking male, single male seeking female, single female seeking male, male seeking male, and female seeking female. Once your status has been selected, you are free to browse the website.

The five men listed above, plus every other registered user, had their identities exposed in 2015 when hackers infiltrated the website stealing names, email addresses, and other personal information, including credit card numbers. The list of 40,815,000 active users is now available online for anyone with internet access to view, just as long as they know what they are looking for.

All of this left me wondering just how many men and women would even want to know if their spouse was cheating on them and how many of them would go as far as searching the Ashley Madison site if they suspected that their spouse was cheating on them. I surveyed 50 married women and 50 married men asking them only two questions:

1. Would you want to know if your spouse was cheating on you?
2. Would you search the available database to check and see if your spouse has an active Ashley Madison account?

Out of 50 married women: 70 percent said yes they would want to know, 30 percent said they would not. 30 percent said they would search the database, 70 percent said they would not.

Out of 50 married men: 55 percent said they would want to know, 45 percent said they would not. 25 percent said they would search the database, 75 percent said they would not.

Based on these numbers, it appears as though it’s the men that prefer to stay in the dark if their spouse were cheating, while a majority of the women want to know. Both men and women are almost as equally as trusting when it comes to physically researching whether or not their spouse has had an affair.

We tend to forget that human beings by nature are not monogamous creatures. People get married under the notion that their spouse is the only living soul on the planet that they will want to love and have sex with for the rest of their lives. This is simply unnatural. The curiosity about having sex with someone other than your partner as well as the desire are still present inside of us, desperately trying to claw their way out. Monogamy is strangling the institution of civil unions, but there is an alternative lifestyle that more and more couples are presently engaging in that would render extramarital affairs and online hookup sites, like Ashley Madison, obsolete.

Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners involved. One of the main causes of divorce in the United States is a cheating spouse. If these spouses were in a polyamorous relationship and they agreed that they were comfortable having simultaneous relationships, then there would be a less of a chance of them divorcing for that reason. I realize that this could be considered a controversial topic. Many may argue that it defies the sanctity of marriage. My argument is that not only have times changed but not everyone has the same belief when it comes to marriage. In fact, there are many cultures where it is encouraged to have many wives. Although, that is polygamy, not polyamory. There is a difference!

Benno and Cristina Kaiser of Austin, Texas were married for 12 years before they decided to get divorced so that their girlfriend, Sierra, wouldn’t be jealous. Much to reader’s surprise everywhere, it was Cristina’s idea to open their marriage. She felt that there was something missing in their marriage and found the missing piece to the puzzle when she met a 21-year-old cashier working at a pet store. They went on a few dates before even bringing Benno into the mix. The trio express having an equal amount of love for one another, never putting one partner above the other and vice versa.

Cristina, Benno, and Sierra are living proof that polyamorous relationships can and do work. If more couples would live the polyamorous lifestyle, websites like Ashley Madison would not exist. The very idea of an affair would cease to be if we simply respected the fact that marriage does not cancel out base humanity. After all, it is better to recognize and address than to deny and suppress.