Post Breakup

People say that after a terrible relationship that you shouldn’t let that change who you are or the type of person you are. It’s bullshit because you are forced changed forever morphed by that experience. You could become someone who may have trust issues or who is cold or who don’t give a fuck anymore.

Depression is real; relationships, in general, take bits and pieces from you and when you are finally free from those chains you don’t recognize the person you see in the mirror. Who am I? What is my identity? What do I want? All are uncharted territory.

The truth is I don’t know who the hell I am. I’m empty(glass half full) what will make me happy? Goals I have set for myself I have achieved I’m still empty,

Emotionless and cold.

Who will save me? God, I need you! Heal me and help me feel again. Joy and sadness are foreign. I can empathize with it I don’t feel it. How do I feel again after shutting my emotions off? I took a key and locked it in a box, and now I can’t experience the joys of life. I don’t want sex or companionship. I just want to...

Who the hell knows, just want to feel pretty again. I look in the mirror, and I hate the reflection. Who is this girl I don’t know her? Why is she so fat and unattractive? Why can’t she accept compliments? Because she can’t see what other people see. Time is wasting and passing by... while I sit in this dark cave of endless thoughts.

What is wrong with me? Why is the glass so empty? Why can’t I express or cry? Can you tell your family? And friends? No friends and family I rather not be so vulnerable. Like I can’t deal.

Killing myself was never an option mostly because I have too much to live for. But where do I go from here? Forever damaged?

I don't exactly know where to go from where I am.

Maybe I didn't allow myself to mourn the loss of the relationship. It's not the person you miss, it's the companionship and all the pieces of you that slowly faded away.

While trying to do me and meet new people, I felt this emptiness, and it drained the motivation out of me.

So what do you do in that situation?

Do you let your depression consume you? Or do you channel that into something else?

Where do you go from here?

The truth is unknown; the story is still being written.

I know that this feeling won't define me forever. There is something to look forward too. I just don't know what it is and how to get there.

How you have been raised as a child shapes who you are as an adult. As a child, I was told that crying was a sign of weakness and that I needed to suck it up. Hold it in and harbor all of my feelings.

It works well when I need to think objectively or logically but not so much in my personal relationships.

I want to turn on the light switch:

At this point after failed relationships and friendships, maybe it's better not to feel. Maybe my body is trying to protect me from all the pain and sadness of this world.

But what good is it to not feel sad if you also can't feel happiness?

People don't realize when you shut down your feelings, you also remove the happy emotions. Joy and happiness are the American Dream.

So what's better?

The ability to not feel the pain or sadness or the inability to experience the pleasures of life?

How do you start to love yourself again?

Will you ever love again? *shrugs*