Psychotic

I sat in my car with everything I owned packed up in the back seat. Tears were running down my face and my sobs would not stop. I was at that low point where all I could think about was all the wrong I've done in my life; I started filling my head with these negative thoughts about myself, about my life, and about every person in my life who I swear thinks nothing good of me. I'm sure it was the equivalent of the devil whispering in my ear.

I had this overwhelming frustration, like I swore I tried my hardest and I fought for what I had; but what exactly did I have: a baby the size of a navel orange in my stomach, my cat in the back seat crying to be released from her kennel, a boyfriend (or at this point my possible ex) that I struggled to love, and seemed to bring out nothing but the bad in me, a chain of broken friendships and relationships that were beyond repair, a raging temper that had me on edge every day and prevented me from being the person I so hoped to be, and my little blue car. That was it.

I was on the verge of homelessness; in fact, I was homeless, a pregnant, homeless teenager. I was at an absolute halt. I had no solid options. I was giving up, my sobs were getting louder, and the negative talk was getting more bold.

Think. Just think, Madi. Take care of what you have even if it's not what you want right now. What are your needs? My stomach had been growling at me for a straight hour. Food. I need food and this baby needs food. I felt my eyes getting tired; it was 12 AM. Rest. I need to sleep, or else I'll be too exhausted for work tomorrow. I couldn't sleep in this car. Where was I going to go?

I had been kicked out of my "worst friend's" (The chances of us ever being best friends again were slim to none at this point) place. Her boyfriend and mom had thrown all my stuff on the deck and threatened police and restraining orders and she couldn't even look me in the eye. I had my intuition telling for the past year she had changed in to this woman whose concern for me grew less and less everyday. I think that's what set me off in the first place.

There was no sign of my best friend anymore. She had completely disappeared. I wasn't even comfortable around her anymore. Our relationship had depreciated to nothing. I wasn't even scared of losing her anymore because I had already lost her mentally. Three years ago, if we were in this position she would have acted so extremely different, fighting for me stay positive, overwhelmingly concerned for my well being.

She was all I had for the past four years and I had slowly watched her fade from my life and she didn't seem to care or even show emotion while her boyfriend was screaming, threatening, and blurting out cruel words towards me. I begged her to listen. I kept calling her name and she turned her head and looked the other way, pretending I wasn't there. Although it was frustrating, I couldn't pretend that I didn't expect what she was doing, It had been going on for so long it didn't hurt; I was just angry. At this point, there was nothing I could do. This was the end of everything we ever had.

I needed to protect myself, so where was I going to go? I called the girl I called my older sister and she took me in for the night. I had never craved a hug so badly in my whole life. All I wanted more than anything was to be held, and there was nothing more I could have asked for that whole night. But she did buy me pizza and let me stay the night on her couch with my cat, which unfortunately didn't do me much good. I managed to only get in three hours of sleep.

I spent every waking moment thinking about the best scenario I could go with for me, for my child, and for my boyfriend and nothing seemed to pique my interest or make me feel better in the slightest. I knew I had to meet with him the next day to come up with some sort of plan, but I had nothing in mind.

I woke up the next day, prepared myself for work and for a better future. I checked my social media to find my friend had vanished from my timeline, and a message from her boyfriend. Without even opening it, I deleted it as soon as I laid eyes on it, knowing it would be more ignorant words, judgments, and threats.

At this point, there was nothing I wished I could fix. I had no regrets about my friendship or my relationship. I didn't want either one back. All I wanted was a new start. That's all I had longed for. I didn't care who was around as long as I was doing the best for me. My mind constantly pushed towards the future, refusing to look back.

I couldn't talk bad to myself anymore or I would lose focus on the potential I have. All I could imagine was starting college for my dream career, moving close to the lakes, spending my days off on the beach with my beautiful baby, meeting new people, and growing into the person I knew I could become. This wasn't the end. It was only the beginning.