Put Me First

So, today was an alright day. Yesterday, I got stood up by a guy whom I love. As a result, today was kind of hard. I've noticed that every time I love a guy, I always get hurt. Only, when I get hurt it makes a whole whirlwind for me. My mind goes into this depressive state. Who else has been there?

I started to question my ability to be loved. My ability to look good. My ability to know that the good looking guy is only going to hurt me. I went on thinking like this all day. I would never be enough. No matter what I did, I would never be enough for anyone.

I went on the whole day with these thoughts. Then, as I sat on my bed crying about my imperfections and my lack of essences, my ferret stared at me with this look. The look of, "What the heck are you doing? This is a boy that caused all of this. You have like ten that follow you around and flirt with you at school! It's time to pick yourself up, clean your face off, fix your makeup, and make him wish he was one of those men who will now get your attention." This look snapped me out of my pity moment.

I started to ask myself why. Why didn't I make myself available to those who were trying to get my attention? Why was I letting one boy dictate my whole mind frame? When I couldn't give myself an answer I did what any person who grew up with animals as family and as your best friends would do. I pulled my ferret out, started playing with her and told her my every thought, and asked all my questions.

In the end, I got no set answer. But I did realize I was putting a boy who didn't care about me above myself. My every me moment, went to him or someone else. I had not had any time to do anything I wanted to do or to better myself.

The last time I worked out, a while ago. I was aiming to work out for at least ten minutes every day. The last time I took a relaxing bath, a long time ago. The last time I did my nails, months ago. My every free moment that was supposed to be for me had gone to everyone else.

This is not okay, in any sense. After everything was said and done, I put on some music and worked out, for longer than what I wanted to. Then I cleaned up a bit and took some time to relax. I took a hot bubble bath and read the chapters I needed to for school. I cuddled with my ferret and put on a movie and that's how the rest of my evening is going to go. I am taking my time to do things for me.

In the end, when we take time for ourselves, we become better people. We take the break to come back down to earth. Right now, that is needed for me. I have become in need of love, and only got hurt. So now, I need to love myself. Even though it's not the emotional kind of love that people think, doing these things is loving myself.

Loving yourself is simply putting yourself first. From now on, I am going to keep the realizations I made today in mind. I am going to take the time to put me first and love myself.