R

It’s been at least five years.

Five years since I was with you.

Things ended terribly... I will admit it. I firmly believe that you were at fault. You may say different.

On a surely hot day in July we met. At that point, I had been with many guys, guys I had loved and guys I would love to never see again. You were different though, we had texted for what seemed like forever, and we were finally meeting! I was so nervous, like every other time I first met a guy. You were different though, by the time I left that night I just thought you wanted to be friends. That was a great pace for me, it’s what I needed at the time. I see that now.

On our first date, we went to the movies. Of course I saw someone from work. I was so easily embarrassed, it super awkward. Actually I am still easily embarrassed, never mind. The movie was over, we went back to your place. We did ‘it’. It was my first time, it was not yours. I told you after, you didn’t seem to care as much I hoped you did. I could not believe it. Something I thought I would save until I was married was gone. I can’t get that back. I can never get that back. It’s still stuck in my memory, it always will be. This should have been my first sign.

By the end of July, we were officially dating. I was 19, you were 20, it was a great time. I got to tell my parents about you, I didn’t have to sneak off to your place and make excuses, I got to be honest. My mom was so excited for me, she couldn’t wait to meet you. My dad on the other hand was more cautious. I had told him about boys I dated in the past; he never met any of them, he seemed to have a clue it wouldn’t last. Like us.

By mid-August, I had learned about your past. The girls you have dated, what you did to them. I wasn’t really sure how to feel about all this. A couple domestic disputes and a serious case of road rage. But I thought, “What the hell, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. He has done anything bad to me yet.” You were always so sweet. This should have been my second sign.

From September to October we were having a great time together. We would hang out all the time, for me school wasn’t getting to serious yet. I met your friends; they were so nice to me. We would go out on double dates together, and just hang out at the apartment together. You got me my own pillow for my birthday; you were always so thoughtful then.

At the end October, things were starting to go downhill, school was getting more serious for me and you were laid off from your job. That meant I was busy while you were not. You didn’t have a lot of motivation. I wasn’t able to see you as much, I had to study, I wanted to pass my exams. You didn’t seem to care whether I passed or not, you were changing from supportive to clingy. It scared me a little.

Then came that cold November day. I had just had a visit with my dad, he had sincerely convinced me to break it off with you. He had so many good points. It seemed like I couldn’t really find anything great about you that night. I had nothing to persuade my dad. I couldn’t think of one single thing. So on I drove to your apartment. Hoping for some reason you’d be out with a friend or at you parents. But you were at home, waiting for me.

I was beyond scared; I was already in tears by the time I reached your door. Everything that I had learned about you before came to mind. All the things you did to those poor girls. It was flooding my brain. I stepped in; we sat on the couch, just like we always did. Then I just blurted it out. There I said it. It’s out there. I quickly rose from the couch and went straight for my shoes. I was already out of there in my mind. I had my hand on the door and was turning the knob. I was so close. Then and whoosh of air went right past my right ear as a glass ashtray hit the door and smashed into a million pieces.

I ran. I was in the car and the doors were locked. I could see you coming down the hall. I was fiddling for my keys. Stupid big purses. I had the car started and in reverse just as you slammed your fist onto the hood. I reversed the car to the other end of the parking lot and put it into drive. You were still running towards me but I was out of there.

I was driving as fast as I ever had, even faster than my ‘late to work’ speed. All the sudden my phone rings; surprisingly it is not you. It’s my dad, of course it is. Holding back tears and trying not to use my shivering voice, I answer. Immediately he can tell something is wrong. Of course I told him everything.

I drive back to my dad’s. This is literally the most I have seen him in one single night ever. My dad is already in the parking lot and meets me at my car. He says for me to go up to his apartment and he will meet me up there. Through tears I agree and rush into his place and wait for him. I waited for a long time before I understood what was happening. To this day I never know what he said to him that night. At this point in my life I don’t want to know.

My dad did eventually come back. I was even more a mess by that time. I just kept thinking of everything that either of them could have done to the other. When he came back, he calmed me down. He has that way about him. It is truly a great quality.

The rest of the night is a blur. I did end up going to the bar with my sister, once I was calm enough to even swallow liquid. Of course I was receiving phone calls, texts, threats, and all sorts from my now ex. I ignored them the best I could. I did however meet my now husband that night. That is one amazing thing that came from this dysfunctional relationship.

I also grew. Before this happened I was a big old pushover. After this happened I knew exactly what I wanted in a man. I may have lost a big thing, but a gained so many little things. It made me also realize how thankful I am for family. I can easily say that my dad and I have not talked about this incident since. Same this with sister, and I would like to keep it that way.

A couple months ago I did hear from him. It seemed like a lame attempt of getting back together after five years. The idiot didn’t even see that my last name had changed on facebook. What a dummy. The thought of getting back together had never crossed my mind. I also never think about how my life would be if we did stay together.

Thanks for everything, Ryan.