R.I.P. The Old You

The strangest, most obscure dream occurred in my brain last night.

You were back in my life.

Here's how it went down:

A mutual friend's party. I can't exactly recall the occasion; does it really matter?

Yet I was startled from the distance, seeing a familiar face at this party, and I was even more startled when I made it close enough to recognize your face; your once beautiful face, gorgeous looks, and to have even felt your stunning aura.

And in this dream, I panicked. I didn't know what to do. In my head, I ran around like an uncontrollable child.

I gained enough courage to talk to you, after all these months of cold silence between the two of us. We talked about our day.

We talked about our day, like we always did when we were together.

Afterwards, I broke down to her.

I told her how badly I wanted her back. How badly I've been missing her. I told her how she could just forget about the guy she left me for, and begin again, and be happy like we were so long ago.

I woke up.

I knew that that dream could never, ever, not in a million, billion motherfucking years come true. Why?

Change. Your change.

When we began, as friends, you were just about the quirkiest, happiest, most optimistic and most beautiful girl I had ever met. No one else could compete with the happiness that you brought your friends.

And when we began again, as a couple, you were the same, but so much more. You possessed so many countless traits that I so ever adored. Your music taste was on par with mine. Your sense of fashion had always been so cute, and really did bring out the most in you. I could go on and on about what I loved so much about you, but it would deride me from my purpose of writing this.

Loved. Loved as in past-tense. You changed. And, don't take this in a rude way, but for the worse.

Yes, I had lied to you. In the middle of our relationship, you had shifted as a person, and I told you that I liked it. I didn't, and if anything, I'm sorry for lying.

Your personality became darker, and you became... edgier. Your quirks and humor slowly diminished. Soon enough, your socials became incredibly depressing; a far cry from how you used to have such a comedic and quirky online presence.

I will acknowledge the fact that it wasn't all you that broke us apart. I did have my shortcomings and faults. I am not perfect, and nor will I ever claim to be the perfect, partner, soulmate, boyfriend. I do have faults, and yes, my faults did come into play to separating us.

But the fact remains is that I can no longer love you. I can't love this new you. I've fallen in love with someone else; the old you, the you that's pretty much dead.

You've changed so much, and I know that change is inevitable, but the change that you experienced was so drastic, that you're entirely a different person.

You cut your hair to such a short length, a move I assume to assert your "sexual independence," or something like that. I loved your long hair.

Your sense of style went from being somewhat cute and stylish to just strange and absurd to me.

But what killed me is the music that truly brung us together. You used to love the sounds of indie tracks and bands, but now your taste in music is just mumble rap.

A song that me and you adored was Oh Wonder's "Without You." I love that song so much. We connected to that song on such a relatable level. Listening to it just made me think of a bright future ahead of us, for me and you. Whenever that I'd hear that song, I'd hallucinate being with you. I would stroll through the cold days of winter, the sharpness of the freezing air cutting my face. Popping in my headphones in my ears, I'd play "Without You," and imagine walking through the cold with you, so that I could be warm inside. I imagined the old you, of course.

I know now why we can't be together, and it's because of your drastic change. Change I didn't like. And yes, I have no right to dictate how you live your life. I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you to not change; it was inevitable. But we're now two different people. Two different auras, two different souls. I'll never forget the old you, I promise you that.

I pop in my headphones to that Oh Wonder song. I imagine, hallucinate, what life would be like, if you had stayed the same.

A life of bliss, impossible bliss.