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Ranting, Venting, Etc

What I do when I can't sleep at night

I don't know where to begin. I am just feeling... off. Have you ever moved in with a significant other or loved one, and just hated it? I mean it's not like the area you live in is bad, but everything feels like it's falling apart. I don't know what I'm saying to be honest. I feel more reserved than I ordinarily do. I live in an apartment with my S/O, and some other people. They aren't supposed to be here, but we are helping them out.

Don't get me wrong I like helping people, but they brought two dogs with them, and that wouldn't be a problem if we were allowed to have them. I mean the complex is pet-friendly, but none of them are on the lease, so you see what I mean. It is a big problem, and it feels like you're walking on eggshells every day. My S/O also gets so frustrated at them about it. It's our place, but they are treating it more like it belongs to them.

I wasn't here initially when we got the place. When our—we'll just call them "friends"—friends moved I was not here. It was only supposed to be for a little bit while they got their situation and finances fixed. BUT then one of them lost their job, and the other one doesn't work. On top of it, they let their pets scream. Well one of them. Whenever the one wants to be held or wants food; they scream, loud and high pitched. It pisses my S/O off. I get so angry, like, turn-into-a-lobster mad. You know what I mean.

We don't know what to do. We can't just kick them out because they have nowhere to go, and we don't want to strain our relationship with them. It's hard enough as it is having to leave a home you've known for years, and going to unfamiliar territory without feeling like you're trapped in your own home. I'm not trying to sound mean or vindictive or anything. I just can't, mentally or emotionally, deal with these things. It makes me shut down just to keep the situations from escalating.

By the way, they do anyway. Seriously. When my S/O and our "friend" start arguing it is like Defcon 387.25. There's no end in sight, nada, zilch, iie, ani, etc. You get the gist. I feel so bad, for my S/O, for our "friends", just everyone. I almost wished I hadn't moved at all. Almost. I love my S/O very much and can't imagine my life without them. I just... left a good-ish job, and friends who I miss, for I don't know what. I guess I'm just writing this to air out all my grievances. It helps a bit.

At this point, I think I'm rambling. Heh, I probably am. I wonder. What I'll think in five or ten years from now? Will we still be in the same state? Nah, this place isn't really me. It's nice, just not me. I don't know where we'll be. Even so soon as next year. It doesn't always get worse before it gets better. I think sometimes you have to recognize that things are worse for it to fully get better. I realize that now more than ever.

I was once the voice of reason in my group of friends. I'm pretty sure I still am, but I rarely listen to my own advice. I want to be different. A better version of myself. Someone amazing. Someone who people can look up to and want to be around. Someone who's not afraid of taking a chance. Bravery is having fear and still doing it. I think that was the message in The Lion King.

Even when you're depressed or anxious, you get up, and keep pushing because no one else is going to push you but you. It's being the first of your friends to jump in the cold water in the pool, and having everyone follow. It's not being afraid to stand by yourself when no one else believes in you. It's finding the audience who can be like the family you always wanted or never had.

I'm sorry. This is a big, long rambling session. I guess I do that from time to time. I just... I needed these thoughts on paper. Well, the computer I guess. Anyway, I just want to say, thank you for reading this. I'm writing this late at night when I should be sleeping. It really means a lot to me. And if there are others going through this, know that you are not alone. I'm going through it too. We can lean on each other. Don't be afraid to lean on others. Don't be afraid to cast away those who don't support you (within reason of course), and don't care about you.

Find an Akihiko to your Misaki or vice versa.

Props to anyone who gets the reference.

Good Night/Good Day