(Real) Entries to a Diary Pt 1

April 22 2012

Okay, so this is where I get out my thoughts. So right now I am so afraid I am going to mess this whole thing with Angela up.

I mean I am smack in the middle of this. Because I started it.

And this thing is so much bigger than me. And if I were to say or do the wrong thing...

This ALL could fall apart. And that is the LAST thing I want.

I mean what if all the main leaders were to view me different? I mean Matt is Angela's husband. Do I expect him to sit by and be like "Oh, Okay, whatever." No! That's stupid! I mean he loves her.

I mean almost anyone in his place would! Even me!

And then just realizing how big and weight filled all this is... That is hard, man.

And since I started it I have to take full responsibility for it. And I never thought it would be so big! Or go on so long! I still want this to happen but it is hard! And to tell you the truth... I'm kind of impressed with myself.

Another thing I am struggling with is Jack and I fighting. I mean I know we are brother and sister and we will fight, but this is going too far. I do not want to like hate him and never talk to him. But then again I don't want to be around him just to get hurt more :(

I pray for God to help work in him but it does not seem to be going very well. And so, I don't talk to him that much. Trying to save what we have. But then if we don't talk a lot, what is there to save?

Okay, that is most for the day.

April 23 2012

I am really worried about my homework, I mean I am two months behind. What if I fail and have to go back to the 6th grade? I mean I am sucking at math and I need to get better some magical way.

I mean come on! I don't need to learn half of what I am learning in the first place. I am trying so hard, and my mom says I'm not. She has no hope for me.

Has she even tried to put herself in my shoes? She says it is easy and I should be caught up. But if it was so easy, then why have I not finished?

And then there is this thing where I just get sad for no reason... I just want to be held by Ben... or even Brandon or Sam.

I just feel so alone...

I kinda just want a boyfriend but I know nobody would/could treat me right. Maybe Sam, but he has a girlfriend I think.

I mean people see one thing that I am stressing out about (like Angela). But they don't see my other struggles that are going on. Just like how I am dealing with all of these things.

My mom will just think about my homework but not know/think about Angela, or Jack, or wanting a boyfriend. And so that makes it SO much worse.

And sometimes it is just easier to just try and make everybody else happy and not me. So that's what I try to do...

Eden is one person that can kinda understand me. Like she puts herself in my shoes before she says anything. And it is so hard to find friends like that.

Genny can kind of do that, but she is gifted with advice more than comfort.

Okay, well this is what I have for today.