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Well. We did it.
Somehow my wife and I have managed to make this marriage thing work for three months so far. Three exact months to the date. I say somehow as if it is some great challenge or task when, all in all, married life feels the exact same as "we've been dating for nine years" life... weird.
That was my first observation. Married life still feels like dating life... just now there's paperwork.
Every other man expects you to be unhappy once married. If you are happy it's only a matter of time until you're not.
For myself and most dudes I would say that this is the most common observation. From co-workers to my barber it's the same story.
Them : "How's married life?"
Me: "Great, no complaints."
Them: "I'll check back in a year."
Something tells me those guys picked the wrong women...
I'm not going to spend my Saturday morning bashing other people's marriages, BUT it is just a tad bit alarming that a majority of men I talk to claim, "It's only a matter of time before she starts trying to change you."
I don't even know what to say when this happens. My initial reaction is to tell them that they fucked up in choosing a partner, but 99 percent of the time I just smile and keep my mouth shut. No point in arguing with ignorance.
This next one is about kids... if you have kids this may "trigger" you I guess, I dunno. I hope not. I write for comedy. Not to offend you. With that said...
Why do couples with kids always insist, INSIST that you have children as well?
I know, I know, "It's the greatest feeling in the world." Yeah, we get it. Parents have been saying the same shit since the beginning of time. It's cool to have kids. This isn't breaking news.
But to be honest, your miserable-looking-always-tired way of life sometimes make me think otherwise. I like naps. Naps don't come with kids. This is a problem.
Sometimes I think couples with kids look at couples without kids and feel a certain level of jealousy or disdain. We still get to do what we want, usually whenever we want. We are allowed more financial freedom usually. We can buy that car, buy that house, take that trip. Freedom baby. Breathe. It. In.
So what do they do?
They tell us to have kids to experience the same sleepless bullshit they go through. I get it. You're salty.
I'm not saying that's the case 100 percent of the time. But c'mon. Don't tell me that's never the case.
You want us to walk in your shoes. Experience the grind of raising children.
Lastly I'll keep this final one short and sweet.
Couples with kids. Step up your social outing game.
You're always tired. Always.
Don't agree to go out if you're just gonna yawn every ten minutes. Go home already. Catch some zzzz's brother.
While you're getting that sleep, maybe dream of conversation topics that don't necessarily involve stories of your kids. Us folks without kids would probably really appreciate it.
Three months into marriage.
Three key takeaways.
I'm sure my wife will be pleased with this somewhat anti-kid propaganda piece. Perhaps I'll write about her reaction next...