Redirection

I loved myself before I met you, I knew myself before I met you, and I was happy before I met you.

Is that what drew you to me?

Was it the excitement I had for life or the love I was so willing to give?

Before I met you I got high off excitement. You tried to take that from me. Yes I say tried because you didn’t take it from me. I say tried because whether those were your intentions or not I still have all those things I was so convinced you took.

For a while I had lost sight of who I was after you left. I didn’t love myself, I didn’t know who I was, and I wasn’t happy. I had no love to give because I was bamboozled on what love felt like. I had it right at my fingertips and so quickly you took that away. You took the one person I believed I could count on for everything. I was sad for what felt like years although it was only a couple of months. And slowly and I mean VERY SLOWLY I was able to push you to the back of mind. There were and still are days were you cross my mind and for a second I find myself longing to feel like I once did.

BUT I quickly thank god I don’t because to feel like that again would mean I would undoubtedly feel the hurt shortly after. And that is a feeling I never want to have again.

Thanks to you I never will.

I now know what I want, the type of person I want and what I want out of a relationship. In the midst of my spiraling life a friend said to me-

“Maybe you don’t understand a normal nice relationship because all the ones in your past were constant arguments and drama, but that’s not normal”

For a second I found myself almost angry with her, but she was right. For so long I believed love consisted of arguments and making up, drunken screaming till 2 a.m. to only forgive all the harsh words said by 10 AM, putting aside what I actually wanted to give into what you want. Love should never feel like that. You should never have the feeling that you need to put someone else before yourself, which I knew but for some reason I always did. I always let you win.

But this time, this time I won. I won back all the best parts of me.

I put you first when I should’ve been focusing on myself. And since you left I know that, I can see it, I can feel it in myself everyday I am stronger now. Love is a fragile feeling; it consists of passion, compassion, lifting each other up and rooting for each other. It's all the promises people in the past have made and bailed on. It’s feeling secure and knowing that against all odds this person will have your back and ride for you.

If losing you taught me anything- it taught me I deserve better, I deserve more. I deserve to be loved in the way I was so willing to love you.