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I never felt like I could fall in love. I never felt like I deserved to fall in love and be loved by someone.
I used to be so messed up and probably still am a little bit. Chasing after a perfect version of myself everywhere I could. Trying to fill the empty void left by my non-existing and destructing father. Striving to figure out my place in this world. Convincing myself I deserved to be happy and that I could live my life the way I wanted. Fighting for self-love and acceptance in a society where diktats are more important than happiness. Struggling to keep my boat afloat while juggling with chronic pain on a daily basis. All of this while trying to be the shoulders my friends and family could cry on. All of this always with the optimism that if I smile at life, it would smile me back.
But then, I met you. I met you when I expected it the least. I turned 23 and I had decided to start a new chapter in life. I had just moved to London and enrolled into a master's. I was ready to be more accepting of myself but I was certainly not ready to love someone or let myself fall in love. I had put up barriers around me for the past three years to prevent myself from another heartache. I had forbidden myself to fall in love and be vulnerable. It was not part of my plan. But you managed to shatter it in a heartbeat.
I remember that day when my eyes met yours. I remember this feeling that embraced my entire body when I got lost in your eyes. I remember that conversation we had for an hour when it felt like the world did not exist around us. I remember feeling like I had been swept by a storm when I left that evening. I think I knew deep down that I had fallen in love with a complete stranger who could be my down fall. I was far from imagining that in less than two months you would turn my world upside down. That I could feel as much love for someone as I do for you. That love is messed up. That I had fallen in love with someone who is in a long distance relationship and as messed up as me. That someone could make me feel so much joy and pain at the same time. That someone could become so important to me. That I could let someone become so close to me. That I could just be me and be loved for who I truly am. Me and all my scars.
I refuse to give up. I love him and I know the feeling is mutual. I have never been so scared of losing something in my life than what we have. I need to embrace it. Embrace the joy and the pain. Embrace what makes us human. I have decided stop running away from my feelings and face them. Live fearlessly. Embrace who I am. Let my emotions flow.
After all, being human is all about embracing life. We all need to think about ourselves with a little progressive positive thinking and respect ourselves for staying afloat when our boat is sinking. It is all about self-acceptance.