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They say one of the worst things that could happen to someone is experiencing one-sided love. I used to think that was just a saying, like when your mom tells you to cover up because the cold will get you sick, but the cold doesn't get you sick, bacteria and viruses do. I grew up in a small area outside the main city and never really believed in high school relationships, since 90% of the time my friends would break up with whoever they were dating within a few months. I had crushes here and there but nothing really more. I wasn't gorgeous, but I was decent looking. I had some faults in the way I looked, but don't we all?
I was walking in the hallway one day and beside my locker I saw this cute guy standing there. I wasn't so "wow! he's so gorgeous" at first, but I did pat my hair down and lick my lips to make sure they weren't chapped. It was awkward because of how close we were, but I was swift and grabbed the stuff I needed and left. I think the thing I did, which I still regret, is looking over and meeting eyes with him. Just that 10 second eye hold had my heart tighten in my chest, which I thought about getting checked out after it happened, but Google told me it was normal.
Things got worse from here, we would always meet eyes in the hallway or I'd catch him staring. I told my friends about how I found him really cute and all that, which was a big mistake. Without my permission, one day after school they followed him and got his Instagram for me and MADE SURE to ask him if he had a girlfriend, which was a no. I wanted to wrap toilet paper around my neck, wrap it around my shower curtain rod and jump off. I made sure not to follow him on Instagram because he would've known it was me and that would be just so awkward. As weeks went by, I felt the feeling of him start growing. The way he'd throw me a smile sometimes in the hallway or just be staring when I would look up. Late nights while I laid in my bed, the feelings had me thinking about going up to him.
I felt the feeling become so overwhelming over the next week or so that I couldn't control myself anymore. I grabbed my phone and typed in his Instagram, it took a couple of scenarios of good things that could come out of me following him, but their were a lot of terrible scenarios playing through my mind. What if he thought I was a creep? Or maybe he already liked someone else and I was just tripping about how maybe, just maybe he might be interested. I took a deep breath and pressed "follow." Those next few hours SUCKED, I mean I kept checking my phone if he accepted the request or not. I took a shower to ease my racing mind and to my surprise HE ACCEPTED THE FOLLOW REQUEST AND REQUESTED TO FOLLOW BACK! I bet you think this is so cringe and I should just go up to him, but trust me I always doubt myself and get really shy going up to people. Like my brain just shuts down and I talk like I'm 7 years old.
I approved his follow request and after a couple hours decided to DM him, I was done playing games and this feeling of adrenaline coursing through my veins had me feeling unstoppable. I went into my iPhone notes and typed a rough draft message I could send to him, making sure I wouldn't sound cheesy or weird. I spent a good 30 minutes erasing and re-writing it, until I felt like it was perfect.
"Hey, my friends told me they went up to you and I just wanted to apologize because it is so embarrassing that they did that without even telling me."
I took a deep breath in, I mean I knew it was a terrible message, but at least I was starting off somewhere. I went on with my day and saw a new notification pop up on my phone after a couple of hours. I took a deep breath and opened it
"Don't worry about it lol"
That's all he wrote! I was a bit sad that it was such a short straightforward answer, but at least he replied back. All of a sudden I saw the "typing" notification, I backed out of the chat and waited for what he had to say. After a brief moment, I clicked on the chat to read the new message.
"Your friend with green eyes is really pretty, I was wondering if you could give me her Instagram."
I felt like somebody had kicked me in the stomach, you know what I mean? That tightening feeling in your stomach. I felt a rush of anger, but it was quickly washed over with sadness. It hit me right then and there, every time he was staring I would be with a group of friends, specifically the girl he was talking about. I felt ugly at that moment, like that meme that says, "Life is hard when your friend is a 10 and you're a solid 3 1/2" I didn't bother replying to him and tried to focus on anything, but my phone. I was envious that he liked her, but could I blame him? She was gorgeous and it wasn't her fault. I told myself, "It's okay there will be other guys and he's whatever!" But even if it was the truth, it felt like all lies. I decided to stop being salty and sent him a message of her Instagram username.
Its been a couple of days and every time I see him in the hallway, I look away because I feel a rush of sadness, anger, and embarrassment. I haven't told any of my friends that I messaged him or what happened, hoping the feeling and memory of this will fade off somewhere in my mind. It will one day, but right now I'm just going to accept the feeling of being rejected and keep moving on.