Relationships 101: Arguments

Sooo... a couple where both parties happen to be my friends is currently mending fences after what was a blown out argument. Now when I say this argument was blown out of proportion I mean BLOWN out of proportion. We are going to need to give them names otherwise this can get confusing also, you know to protect their privacy and shit. So we are going to go with Ashley and Sarah. Now for a little bit of back story. Ashley is very sensitive, and I don't mean your average run of the mill sensitive femme; I mean hyper sensitive because of past trauma in her life and she's a water sign *eye roll,* so you know how that goes. Now Sarah, she tends to be a bit of a hard ass, straight shooter, and let her tell it she's just extremely direct with how she approaches people and an almighty air sign. So I'm absolutely sure you can foresee how this shit is going to go.

Sooo... now that we have you all caught up to speed with personalities and stuff... here we go.

So, Ashley and Sarah speak on a daily basis... They have a full routine in how they operate. Ashley is dealing with a lot in life and is trying her very best to keep herself and her life under control, but she's a worrier and of course Sarah with her oh so mighty knowledge, and bluntness, and organized life tends to nitpick and sometimes nag about things to Ashley. Well, Ashley had hit her peak that day and had a meltdown, she reached out to her woman which is routine for them, however this time Sarah's approach extra cut and dry which Ashley absolutely HATED.

Now Sarah's approach was to tell her girlfriend 'look you need help!' where as Ashley was looking for more of a 'baby, I'm here for you approach let me know what you need.' She never got that what happened was that Ashley became removed from the situation and reclusive, which of course pissed of Sarah to no end, and BOOM there was the bomb they started ignoring each other but talking to our mutual friends in our group chat... and yes it was as awkward you are thinking. The passive aggressive behavior and pettiness was at an all time high and this shit went on for a day or so until Sarah decided I'm done with this we shouldn't be together. Now in my opinion, which is why we are here—that was definitely not the way to go about this at all. Jumping to an extreme solution in your relationship is never a good idea only because it sets you up to potential write check with your mouth your heart don't wanna cash.

So, how did we get here? How did it get so misconstrued to the point where we are on the verge of a break up?

More times than not we don't take the time to learn each others what I like to call "Peace Language," how we go about disarming ourselves in an argument. To let us know and our partner know I'm actually here for you and I don't want you to feel unsafe, I'm not trying to fight we are just not agreeing.

I've come to the conclusion that there are a few "Peace Languages"

1. Reassurance - exactly what it says, let your partner know that you are there for them and that you aren't going to leave just because they are having a hard time. At some point in time we've all required this as our peace language.
2. Silence - this is actually a difficult one for your partner to understand because sometimes they make think that you are ignoring them well that part of active communication (we'll talk about that later) comes in.
3. Understanding - having the ability to listen to understand not to response and just say any damn thing. (Lack of this is honestly what leads to screaming matches.)
4. Patience - it is not always easy for someone to articulate themselves no matter their age just because you got a PHD in self explanation doesn't mean your partner has one—have some patience and work with them.
5. USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE - this I'm sure y'all are like why wasn't this number one—but if it wasn't obvious a lot of the time people will shut down because they don't like being yelled at they don't want to deal with the fact that you have no idea how to articulate yourself. Also be aware that some people don't know how to communicate in a healthy way because of what they have seen in their life so if that is the case please refer to Peace language number three and four.
6. Space - often times we either give too much or give too little space to our partner when there is conflict. This is the type of conversation you should be having with your partner prior to an argument so you can gage how exactly to approach them when they are fighting cause lets be real we all know what we need when we are upset or what we don't need—but definitely ask.

Needless to say that they were definitely able to figure it out, but I though this was a good sharable moment because we've all been there and we are going to go there again, but at least this time we can be better prepared.