Relationships

Don’t get it twisted. I’m no relationship expert and I don’t expect everyone to understand or accept this, whatever it is. But I know one thing. We are human beings, so we have to do and be better.

(2016) Thoughts:

“And I wonder if you miss me. Do you even think about me? All those times you said you loved me, did you mean any of them? Do you ever sit and think about us? What was true in what you said? Do you cry yourself to sleep at night? Because I do. I can't seem to let go and I know I have to but I just can't.

I miss the lost opportunities and what we could have had. I miss the times you made me laugh and I miss the way when I always thought about you and it just made me randomly smile. I smile now, but my smile doesn't reach my eyes. It feels forced and fake. I try to hide it and I think I'm doing a good job because no one seems to notice. It's hard to think of everything we went through. Sometimes I can't breathe and it feels like you took everything for me, including my ability to breathe.

No one asks how am I doing. It just seems to make sense to them that I should be great and that what happened shouldn't affect me, but why? I loved you, and I can bet that if it happened to anyone else it would be the same for them, because who can forget someone that they loved for so long, so easily? I can't. It seems as if I will always miss you. But it hurts knowing you don’t feel the same.

I'm just trying to think of the times I've hurt you and how you've forgiven me, but it seems you probably felt guilty over your own mistakes so you had no choice but to do so. But I was always honest and I always tried to make it up to you. So I changed. I changed for you and I changed for me, but most importantly I changed for us. Because I wanted more for us and it hurts because you didn't. You didn't think of me because you always had better things or people to attend to. Little did I know that I was never enough for you. You sought love elsewhere, but my love was like fire and you still didn’t want it. I was ready to give you the world. I was ready to help you build the world. You were all I ever wanted, never asked for anything but your love.

I was shocked, you know? Even until the last day I was trying to think, why would you do it to me? And why did you end up being someone I didn't even know?! It didn't make any sense, but then, all of a sudden, it all made sense. I still don't get it. I don't get it because I thought I was gonna be yours and you were gonna be mine forever, but forever doesn't exist, right?! It doesn't. Everyone sells us this fake life and as humans we fall for it. We seek for it. We want it. We think love is enough, it can solve anything, it can heal our souls. But love is a partnership. Is about trying, accepting, forgiving, moving on, growing, understanding and supporting each other. I thought we had that. But it was all a lie. A manipulation to my soul for you to get what you needed. I fell for it and when it was time I had to let go.”

(2017) Growth:

It was a good lesson for me. Now I know better and I understand the signs. I always look for the signs because they never lie. Is hard to trust again. Hard to put the same effort into someone new and do the whole thing again in fear that it will all repeat themselves. But we have to let go of fear. Will Smith said that once we reach the other side of our maximum fear, that’s where all the best things in life are. Letting go of fear is letting go of the past, is moving on, and nothing is more free than being able to move on without fear.

We go through life fearing of the unknown and that’s what kills our relationships. Maybe you left someone because they were cheating. Maybe they were liars. Maybe they couldn’t provide for you. Maybe they lost themselves trying to be someone else. Maybe they were disrespectful or even maybe they were not you thought they were. Maybe all of the above. Maybe this and maybe that, but what lies beneath of them all is that it was never only about them. It was you as well. We have to be able to check ourselves. Sometimes we are the toxic person, the mean, the negative person we are pushing away. Sometimes the problem is us, but always remember that doesn’t make you less worthy. Our mistakes help us grow. They are opportunities we have to look at, own, grow and move on from.

Everyone goes around judging every relationship as if their relationship is the perfect one. But no relationship is perfect. There will be a lot of arguing and a lot of moments where we will be like, “man, I don’t deserve this shit,” and you are probably right. But have you sat yourself down and re-examined the situation? What was your fault in it? Did you go overboard? Were you hurtful and mean with words cutting through someone’s soul? What was it? Fix it! You can’t be the taker only, you have to be the giver, too.

Sometimes we let go because things got tough and we couldn’t handle our feelings or the situation so it was the easy way out, and that’s an excuse.

(2018) Advice:

Stop with the excuses. Stop letting people interfere into your relationship too, because they never know both sides of the story and that is never fair. You can’t grow in a relationship where you are constantly blaming each other while others blame one person because that’s what they know about. Keep your relationship private and only share what you must. Never let someone in it a 100%, because most relationships break because of other people’s opinion that gets in our heads without realising.

Go out and live again. Plot twist: you let someone else in and they don’t fuck you over.

Love and peace,

C xoxo